Motivational Poster

Do A Barrel Roll

Do a Barrel Roll        

A Short Story by T. L. Brown

Suddenly Byron Austin Ketchel fell from the roof landing on poor Nikki the Black who was reading a 483769 page analyses of Lord of the Rings. Nikki had been on the very last page just about to find out what the ring represented when… BLAM Byron fell on his face.

 “Why hello you un-fluffy pancake man! Byron began.

“Byron, have you been hanging around Zant?” Nikki muttered getting up, “…and why so happy today?”

“Well I’ve found a use for my assassin’s blades!” he blurted.

“Wha…” Nikki began. Suddenly he found a poisoned blade in his back, “Aw… lemons…”

            From the confines of his pocket Byron pulled a list from his pocket, “Zant and Nikki down… Now where’s that piece of trash German Doctor Bes…”

            Instantly a hand grabbed his neck and threw him into a brick wall. “By German Doctor did you mean me?” a German sounding voice questioned him.

            “I meant…”

            “Van Helsing!?” Van Helsing inserted.

            “You’re not even German you’re Dutc…”

            “Byron, you’ll be fighting against god if you intend to kill me!”

            “YOU’RE NOT GERM…”

            “AND, you’ll be fighting my army of ghosts,” commented Strider floating down in his hot air balloon.

            “Wait, why are you defending this Dutchman!?” Byron blurted.

            “Flying Dutchman’s from Pirates of the Caribbean, my friend, not Lord of the Rings,” Van Helsing explained.

            Adding two more names to his list Byron stammered, “What do you people want with me…?”

            “We’ve had report of two Twilight class Nosferatu, in the Northglenn High School auditorium,” Van Helsing explained searching through the yellowing pages of his notebook.

            “I do not believe it! I will not!” Strider blurted.

            “You’re telling me, even you didn’t know what we were facing?”

            “Good god, people calm down. I’ve dealt with these things before-terrible infestation in Seattle, good thing I was there to “sterilize” the infestation. Let’s see here, last time I wrote, “Relatively immortal, rules of normal Vampiren do not apply in their case.””

            “So you’re saying we have no chance of success.” Byron muttered. A slow moment of silence crept between the men.

            “Doctor, do you think Andúril could damage them?” Strider asked.

            “Andri… what?”

            “Strider’s sword, Andúril -the sword that was broken…” Van Helsing stated.

            “…and reforged,” Strider continued, “In my previous travels it has seemed to have great power over the dead…”

            “Hmm…” Van Helsing’s feet scuffed pacing the pavement, “I will, as for now say that Andúril may prove… useful against forces such as these.”

            “Well you said, last time that you “Sterilized” the infestation- is it possible we could use the same techniques?”

            “Possible, but too dangerous, in my previous encounter the vampiren were “vegetarian” which meant I could utilize their prey as a poison.”

            “I’m sure Henry would be happy to let us use Smith…” Byron began.

            “Nein, Smith is known for a substantial love of fresh garlic.”

            “I thought you said these “vampires” weren’t bothered by the same things as normal vampires…” Byron commented.

            “Nothing to do with vampires, smith just has really bad garlic breath. No vampire in their right mind would draw the blood of someone with such horrendous breath.”

            “I’m the one with the sword… we need the doctor… so that means…” Strider began.

            “Let me repeat that you two are as good as dead when I get out of these ropes!” Byron yelled into the empty darkness of the auditorium.

            The auditorium held a kind of peace in its darkness, the only light emanating from the spotlight which had been left on Byron’s position. The only sound from the creaking of the apron which Byron was sitting on… and occasionally the shifting of school around him, Byron could only see the motes in the light of the spotlight glistening in its brilliance.

            “Mr. Ketchel…” A shadowed voice echoed from somewhere in the auditorum-in the contrast Byron could not see where. “Do you see what friends mean in such a world? They have left you to die in my darkness.” A figure, shimmering in sparkles, stepped into the spot light. Something in Byron started-something he was not used to- humor.

            He let out a laugh the likes of which the world has never seen (well maybe it has seen but for the sake of over dramatization). “Narrator shut up.” Byron continued to laugh and abruptly stopped. “YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN, YOU PANSY?” Byron immediately bust from the ropes muttering, “Why didn’t I do this earlier?” A blade sprung, hidden in his sleeve. Stabbing the Vampire with his assassin’s  blade, he laughed a horrid cackle.

            Van Helsing ran from the wing, “What poison did you use!?”

            “Hydrogen Cyanide… why?”

            “Wondering if you used the right poison, I hope you don’t mind that we poured that all over your body.”

            “…so that’s what it was…”

            A scream shot out from the wing, “TWO MORE.” The voice was that of Strider, firm and crisp. “ RAHHH!!! Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!”

            “That was a strange thing to say…”

            “Doctor!” Strider ran out, “I believe Andúril worked-considering they burst into a cloud of sparkles!”

            “Sparkles… I hate Sparkles…” Byron muttered.

Vampire Problems

Joaquin: Though its hard for me to believe there can be anything as foul as poor dancing.... THE HUNT IS ON!
Evidence of Twilight-class Vampiren has been discovered under the stage of the Northglenn High School.
Mercutio: Bitter evidence it was
Glitter on the black floor
Almost as bad as a stage door!
Carnes: Oh (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), that's almost as bad as someone touching my daughter!
Joaquin: Not even close to bad dancing.
Carnes: ...Theres someone I want you to meet *Cocks shotgun* unless you want to take that back.
Joaquin: *Pulls out Taser* Right.
Mercutio: If you see these horrors
Be not fearful the core
see now Austin or Nikki!

THE SHOW OCTOBER 22

THE SHOW: October 22, 2011

  *Please note that "Tink's Rescue Part 1" or the latter half of this show  is incomplete, "Mobile Army Injection" or the first part however is complete at this time* 

Smith: For lack of another narrator, I shall be narrating today. We’re broadcasting today from a M*A*S*H Unit in Southern Russia. Where Brown forces and the pastry army are somewhat at a standstill-we use standstill lightly since in this area casualties are as common as snow in the mountains. Approximately every twelve hours more casualties-men and women, are trucked and flown in, explosions echo in the distance in this forgotten area. Here Dr. Bessner, Father Van Helsing and Father Malachi have been stationed all together.

            About twenty-four hours ago Link revealed the ghastly darkness of a new weapon the other side has developed, a bio-warfare weapon, the likes of which have never been seen. These bullets developed by Zant Ishmael Pfannkuchen have the capability not merely to kill their victim, but to cause a morbid transformation in the person to a mindless brain devouring… undead, or a zombie. However, upon recovering this vital information Link was caught and is now believed to be being held in a bunker in Siberia, so a team, consisting of Soldier #1, Captain Sexy, Sarge and Nikki the Black have been sent to rescue our dear friend. The rest of us, arrived yesterday at this dung heap they call a M*A*S*H* unit.

Bessner: *In the distance* I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!

Malachi: *Also at a distance* You German quack! I should have killed you the day I laid eyes on your heretical face!

Van Helsing: *Also in the distance* Now… Now boys I’m trying to operate.

Henry: I wish those three would quit their yappin’! I’m trying to get some sleep...

Smith: Let us also say that the hours here are irregular, it is currently four o’ clock in the morning.

Henry: Smith?

Smith: What?

Henry: Shut up.

Bessner: *Walking in* Sorry for ze delay my friends, but I’m ready to reveal my results regarding my good friend Zant’s weapon.

Pooh: Take your time doctor, I might just have to stay here for the rest of the war… they have so much honey here for medical use its absolutely beautiful!

Henry: What in MacArthur’s name is a M*A*S*H* unit doing with honey for medical use!?

Bessner: …I could explain but, it would disturb all but the most physically strong of mind.

Smith: Anyway Bessner, what did you find?

Henry: Smith? No one wants to hear your voice, so SHUT UP!

Bessner: Well, let me begin by explaining something, when Zant created this abomination, he focused most of his efforts on decreasing higher level brain functions, so when he made it to cause “Libum-mania” or an obsession of pancakes, the ill-functioning brain interprets the pancakes to be brains of any and all kinds, the victim’s vocabulary also appears to revert down to approximately two words… Brains and Waffles.

Henry: Uh… I have no idea what you just said.

Smith: Basically…

Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) it, Smith! I’m giving you till the count of waffle to­­ shut up, before I… EAT YOUR BRAINS… uh… that was weird.

Bessner: …Zis is not good… Henry, were you by any chance… shot?

Pooh: Don’t worry about him, just give him his vodka and he’ll be alright.

Henry: Well… I was getting ready to reduce Smith here down to one arm with my gun when this really weird creature appeared, I couldn’t see much of it, cause it was night but it laid a good hit on my right arm with some sort of knife, and then it ran away.

Van Helsing: *Bursting in* Cousin, one of your patients escaped-killing a nurse in the process?

Bessner: Which nurse?

Van Helsing: The one with the blue eyes.

Bessner: The blonde one? Her death is not important, terrible nurse didn’t know a pair of incisors from a scalpel.

Van Helsing: Nein, it was the brunette.

Bessner: WHAT!? Ah, not the brunette! My beautiful…

Pooh: Bessner!? I didn’t know you were so interested in the ladies!

Bessner: …experiment!

Pooh: …Just focus on the honey… just focus on the honey…

Van Helsing: The strange part is she was killed in a stange fashion resembling that of the blade a wild animal would use… and she’s beginning to turn into another one of the… pancake zombies.

Bessner: Did you try what you do best?

Van Helsing: Malachi’s preparing her for staking as we speak.

Bessner: Good, good… that leads me to my next discovery!

Pooh: Stronger honey?

Bessner: Zant’s weapon also causes increased evolutionary speed… meaning these “Zombies” Can develop new attributes, such as additional appendages within minutes.

Pooh: Well thanks for the information Bessner can you cure it though?

Bessner: …

Van Helsing: My Children…you’re… not going to like this…

Henry: Children!? What you mean you WAFFLE LOVER!

Bessner: Well… “Cure” is a very… subjective term.

Henry: BRAINS!

Bessner: the only way to do so is to… well… perfect Zant’s idea and turn the victim into a pancake fiend…

Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) IT, BESSNER! NOT AGAIN!

Smith: Again?

Henry: There was this time back in Nam’ when this…

Bessner: *Talking to Pooh* However, my cousin here, Van Helsing can reverse the effects, correct?

Van Helsing: Yes, Zants methods resemble those used by Vampires. The reversal treatment requires the eating of a certain herb… Garlic.

Pooh: …How much?

Van Helsing: …twelve boxes full…

Pooh: I think I’ll be staying away from Henry for a couple years…

Bessner: Why is that?

Pooh: That’s how long it’ll take the garlic breath to fade away.

Van Helsing: Well… I was not being as honest as I should have been… I can only reverse it if he’s not too far along...

Pooh: *Looks over to Henry who is not gnawing on Smith’s head* …and if hes too far along?

Van Helsing: Being related to vampires he will turn into one of them, at which point we will have to destroy him… in the same method as the Vampire-STAKE TO ZE HEART!

Which fate will befall Henry? Garlic breath, the likes of which even Qui-Gon has not seen, or the fate of all Van Helsing’s enemies, of which Van Helsing seems only too happy to administer?

Smith: If you were wondering dear reader, how the rescue mission to save link is going-eat a bagel my friend!

Still here? *Sigh* Very well then I suppose we shall check in on them…

THE  N*M*S

THE RESCUE OF LINK KOKIRI (PART 1)

*A non descript Black helicopter over northern Russia, Captain sexy, Sarge, Soldier 1, Nikki and Byron sit in the line of seats along the back of the Copter fondly known by Brown soldiers as “THE blood Trough” As Stymie Downs and the Narrator Pilot the Chopper.*

Byron: I didn’t realize you knew how to fly Downs

Stymie: well the thing is Bo…..I don’t

Nikki: What!!??! Then how come your in the pilot’s seat?

Stymie: Well you see Bo the Narrator here knows how to Fly this tin can and Brown Drafted me to give him proper Emotional and motivational Support.

Narrator: Support? You call holding a Mark IV Cucco launcher to my head and threatening my family and household pets Emotional and Motivational Support, My Foot!

Stymie: Details Details

Nikki: wait come to think of it why are you here Byron?

Byron: well Brown wanted the group split in to two half’s and he determined with my training and the fact that he can blackmail me with mead. He determined that I was the best candidate to join your group.

Nikki:…..wha-

Captain: okay Listen up men today we are dropping behind enemy lines and then we are going to insert ourselves into the enimies darkest hol-

Nikki: wait a minute that the hell put you in charge?

Sarge: if I may intervene, the captain is in charge because he outranks you and because brown stuck sticky notes with our instructions on various parts of his body

Nikki: oh well umm…continue’

Captain: as I was saying we must insert ourselves into the enemies’ darkest hold which they call the Slab of Bacon prison

Soldier 1: mmm bacon

Byron: Delicious greasy Bacon

Stymie: with a side of eggs and Hash

Sarge: Tea lots of Tea

Narrator: and Chicken

Nikki: and apple pie

Captain: don’t forget Coffee with Lots of Cream

Stymie: So okay it’s pretty obvious that we all ignored Browns advice and skipped Breakfast this morning before we left.

Narrator: ok guys so were coming up on the pastry territory things might get bumpy from here on in-Holy (BLEEPED OUT BY EDITOR)! Jesus Christ on Stilts!!

Nikki: what in the name of apple cinnamon oatmeal was that?

Byron: well it would appear that the Pastry army has begun to well Shooting AA rounds at us but its not like anything I’ve ever seen it appears the rounds are made completely out of White-

Captain: Cream Incoming!!!

*Helicopter banks left to avoid a AA round the characters in the back end up onto of one another , all except soldier one*

Nikki: are you kidding me the idiot is the only one who remembered to Buckle his Lemony Seatbelt?!!

THE SHOW 10/16/2011: Wartime for Brown and Germany AND What not to do with a vampire Weekly recap

Opening theme: Spring time for Hitler from "the Producers"

Soldier #1: you're sure you want me to read this? 

Pooh: Yes, for the last time, yes! 

Soldier #1: Okay... umm... "We'd like to welcome you to the *Spelling it out* N...arthgleeeen Mouring shouu? With your hoses" um er... "Crapbear?" 

Pooh: This wars bad enough without you saying my name wrong! 

Soldier #1: Sorry Sargent Bear... Its against my religion to say... um..." 

Pooh: Poohbear? Really!? What religion are you!? Soldier!? 

Soldier #1: I belong to the church of of Dr. Lindi... 

Pooh: Heard enough of that religion... Continue 

Soldier #1: *Reading again* Crapbear, John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) 

Smith: I resent that! 

Pooh: Wait soldier your  religion doesn't let you say poohbear but you can say the "S" Word!? 

Soldier: Whats wrong with "(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)" 

Pooh: ...Nevermind I don't think I want to know... Continue... 

Soldier #1: *Reading again* John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), and Nikki the black... 

Pooh and Smith: You get his name right!? 

Nikki: Well of course! How in the world could you mess with Nikki the Black!? continue soldier! 

Soldier #1: *Opens his mouth* ...um... what this word? 

Pooh: *Sighs* "due" 

Soldier #3: *Growling* HERE GIVE ME THAT, YOU DUMB FOOL! "Due to the fact that the narrator is such a coward he wasn't willing to join us in the war this soldier who is a piece of cra..."  

*Cut off by death by bullet*  

Smith: *Sighs* We are currently broadcasting live from a Bunker in Bavaria, Germany, where those bloody pastries are blasting blurts of cream all over the bunker, Brown has been able to sufficiently fight back the pastries for over twenty hours, so far it looks like a victory for Dictator Brown-which isn't too surprising seeing how much the Germans love eating their pastries. 

Captain Sexy: *Appearing out of no where* What was that about cream!? 

Soldier #1:  Well, captain, the enemy, who we've come to call the blond demon has been laying her cream all over us! 

Captain Sexy: Well now maybe this war isn't too bad! I've got to get in on some of this creaming! 

Smith: Oh Gall... 

Pooh: Blond Demon? 

Sarge: *Also appearing out of no where* She's a demon, that she is-no match for the captain's cream, but a demon nonetheless. 

Soldier #2: Aye laddy, she's taken out our artillery single handedly, only armed with the drill in er' hand. 

Smith: Her pastry army on the other hand... 

Sarge: Dumb as a doornail! 

Soldier #2: AYE! And the best part? they say she disassembled the artillery... NAKED! 

*Silence throughout* 

Smith: …And I thought this war was full of indecent people, I can tell how much that disgusts you all! 

All except Smith and soldier #1: YOU KIDDING!? WE'RE JUST GLAD TO IMAGINE SUCH A THING!!! 

Soldier #1: ..um... guys what does a girl look like naked? 

Smith: *Growling* Don't you corrupt this innocent soul! 

Dictator Brown: *Walking in* Enough fun and games... 

All (including Soldier #3): YOU! 

Dictator Brown: ...What? 

Pooh: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) you Brown! What is with drafting us!? (Especially the rule limiting honey consumption!) 

Nikki: ...I actually don't mind that much I was going to kick some lemon warlock butt anyway. 

Smith: Is no one else scared by the fact that soldier #3, who is dead just spoke? 

Captain Sexy: Why did you take me away from my boat, you fine, fine man? 

Brown: Well... lets put it this way which would you rather have ruling you that demonic pastry leading demon out there, or the well dressed intelligent man in front of you? 

Soldier #2: Well actually the blo...  

Brown: Nevermind, don't answer that... lets just call it... payback for what you did a couple episodes ago to my political career! 

Smith: I just want you to know Brown, my answer to your first question was you. 

Soldier #2: Ya suck up! Why I have a good mind to ha... *Mysteriously killed by some sort of monster, completely not related to the disappearance of soldier #3's body. No one pays attention except Smith* 

Smith: Uh... guys...? we may have bigger problems than walking strudel soldiers... 

Brown: AS I WAS SAYING, enough fun and games I have two orders of business, first, I need Nikki, Soldier #1, Captain Sexy and Sarge. This morning we received a transmission from agent "Hero of Time," who ironically turns out to be your good friend Link. *Plays transmission, the message is heavily damaged, scratchy and.... recorded on an ocarina* 

Link's voice (recorded): *Whispering* Agent Hero of Time calling King of Evil... 

Pooh: Zant? 

Brown's Voice (Recorded): Go ahead Hero. 

Link's Voice (Recorded): I've been captured, repeat have been captured by some... delicious apple pies... but I attained what Zant's working on. According to the plans I saw, Zant's been working on something that could spell the end of waffles and the world forever! Apparently he's developing a drug which causes the said person to become as insane about pancakes as he is! The drug lets him manipulate anyone into believing anything in front of them is a pancake, or that said object is a waffle lover and thus must die. But as I've been sitting in my cell I overheard some cupcakes talking about how, so far he's only managed to cause them to go insane accidentally desiring brains instead.... *Static* …STALFOS they're onto me, I think they know I have a radio! Send BACKUP (And by back up I DO NOT mean NAVI!!!)! *Recording ends* 

Brown: We need the four of you to drop into an old bunker in northern Russia, where we think they're holding him. Should you be caught or killed... 

Sarge: Yeah, we know, "the secretary of defense will disavow any connection with our actions." 

Brown: I was going to say, "I will be the first to dance on your grave", but what you said sounds better! 

Sarge: *to Captain Sexy its been an honor serving with you captain, should we die." 

Captain Sexy: And its been an honor performing for your camera Averious. 

Brown: AS FOR THE REST OF YOU! Bessner is working on an antidote for Zant's failed attempts. I want you to go check in on him, Van Helsing and Father Malachi who have been stationed in a M*A*S*H* unit near Irkutsk Russia. 

What will happen to the rescue team that went in for Link? Bessner and Malachi in the same camp? Doesn't seem like a good combination! Van Helsing's dark side show!? Is Smith the only one to notice the zombie apocalypse is on its way? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT "THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW" TO FIND OUT!