THE SHOW: October 22, 2011
Smith: For lack of another narrator, I shall be narrating today. We’re broadcasting today from a M*A*S*H Unit in Southern Russia . Where Brown forces and the pastry army are somewhat at a standstill-we use standstill lightly since in this area casualties are as common as snow in the mountains. Approximately every twelve hours more casualties-men and women, are trucked and flown in, explosions echo in the distance in this forgotten area. Here Dr. Bessner, Father Van Helsing and Father Malachi have been stationed all together.
About twenty-four hours ago Link revealed the ghastly darkness of a new weapon the other side has developed, a bio-warfare weapon, the likes of which have never been seen. These bullets developed by Zant Ishmael Pfannkuchen have the capability not merely to kill their victim, but to cause a morbid transformation in the person to a mindless brain devouring… undead, or a zombie. However, upon recovering this vital information Link was caught and is now believed to be being held in a bunker in Siberia , so a team, consisting of Soldier #1, Captain Sexy, Sarge and Nikki the Black have been sent to rescue our dear friend. The rest of us, arrived yesterday at this dung heap they call a M*A*S*H* unit.
Bessner: *In the distance* I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!
Malachi: *Also at a distance* You German quack! I should have killed you the day I laid eyes on your heretical face!
Van Helsing: *Also in the distance* Now… Now boys I’m trying to operate.
Henry: I wish those three would quit their yappin’! I’m trying to get some sleep...
Smith: Let us also say that the hours here are irregular, it is currently four o’ clock in the morning.
Henry: Smith?
Smith: What?
Henry: Shut up.
Bessner: *Walking in* Sorry for ze delay my friends, but I’m ready to reveal my results regarding my good friend Zant’s weapon.
Pooh: Take your time doctor, I might just have to stay here for the rest of the war… they have so much honey here for medical use its absolutely beautiful!
Henry: What in MacArthur’s name is a M*A*S*H* unit doing with honey for medical use!?
Bessner: …I could explain but, it would disturb all but the most physically strong of mind.
Smith: Anyway Bessner, what did you find?
Henry: Smith? No one wants to hear your voice, so SHUT UP!
Bessner: Well, let me begin by explaining something, when Zant created this abomination, he focused most of his efforts on decreasing higher level brain functions, so when he made it to cause “Libum-mania” or an obsession of pancakes, the ill-functioning brain interprets the pancakes to be brains of any and all kinds, the victim’s vocabulary also appears to revert down to approximately two words… Brains and Waffles.
Henry: Uh… I have no idea what you just said.
Smith: Basically…
Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) it, Smith! I’m giving you till the count of waffle to shut up, before I… EAT YOUR BRAINS… uh… that was weird.
Bessner: …Zis is not good… Henry, were you by any chance… shot?
Pooh: Don’t worry about him, just give him his vodka and he’ll be alright.
Henry: Well… I was getting ready to reduce Smith here down to one arm with my gun when this really weird creature appeared, I couldn’t see much of it, cause it was night but it laid a good hit on my right arm with some sort of knife, and then it ran away.
Van Helsing: *Bursting in* Cousin, one of your patients escaped-killing a nurse in the process?
Bessner: Which nurse?
Van Helsing: The one with the blue eyes.
Bessner: The blonde one? Her death is not important, terrible nurse didn’t know a pair of incisors from a scalpel.
Van Helsing: Nein, it was the brunette.
Bessner: WHAT!? Ah, not the brunette! My beautiful…
Pooh: Bessner!? I didn’t know you were so interested in the ladies!
Bessner: …experiment!
Pooh: …Just focus on the honey… just focus on the honey…
Van Helsing: The strange part is she was killed in a stange fashion resembling that of the blade a wild animal would use… and she’s beginning to turn into another one of the… pancake zombies.
Bessner: Did you try what you do best?
Van Helsing: Malachi’s preparing her for staking as we speak.
Bessner: Good, good… that leads me to my next discovery!
Pooh: Stronger honey?
Bessner: Zant’s weapon also causes increased evolutionary speed… meaning these “Zombies” Can develop new attributes, such as additional appendages within minutes.
Pooh: Well thanks for the information Bessner can you cure it though?
Bessner: …
Van Helsing: My Children…you’re… not going to like this…
Henry: Children!? What you mean you WAFFLE LOVER!
Bessner: Well… “Cure” is a very… subjective term.
Henry: BRAINS!
Bessner: the only way to do so is to… well… perfect Zant’s idea and turn the victim into a pancake fiend…
Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) IT, BESSNER! NOT AGAIN!
Smith: Again?
Henry: There was this time back in Nam
Bessner: *Talking to Pooh* However, my cousin here, Van Helsing can reverse the effects, correct?
Van Helsing: Yes, Zants methods resemble those used by Vampires. The reversal treatment requires the eating of a certain herb… Garlic.
Pooh: …How much?
Van Helsing: …twelve boxes full…
Pooh: I think I’ll be staying away from Henry for a couple years…
Bessner: Why is that?
Pooh: That’s how long it’ll take the garlic breath to fade away.
Van Helsing: Well… I was not being as honest as I should have been… I can only reverse it if he’s not too far along...
Pooh: *Looks over to Henry who is not gnawing on Smith’s head* …and if hes too far along?
Van Helsing: Being related to vampires he will turn into one of them, at which point we will have to destroy him… in the same method as the Vampire-STAKE TO ZE HEART!
Which fate will befall Henry? Garlic breath, the likes of which even Qui-Gon has not seen, or the fate of all Van Helsing’s enemies, of which Van Helsing seems only too happy to administer?
Smith: If you were wondering dear reader, how the rescue mission to save link is going-eat a bagel my friend!
Still here? *Sigh* Very well then I suppose we shall check in on them…
THE N*M*S
THE RESCUE OF LINK KOKIRI (PART 1)
*A non descript Black helicopter over northern Russia, Captain sexy, Sarge, Soldier 1, Nikki and Byron sit in the line of seats along the back of the Copter fondly known by Brown soldiers as “THE blood Trough” As Stymie Downs and the Narrator Pilot the Chopper.*
Byron: I didn’t realize you knew how to fly Downs
Stymie: well the thing is Bo…..I don’t
Nikki: What!!??! Then how come your in the pilot’s seat?
Stymie: Well you see Bo the Narrator here knows how to Fly this tin can and Brown Drafted me to give him proper Emotional and motivational Support.
Narrator: Support? You call holding a Mark IV Cucco launcher to my head and threatening my family and household pets Emotional and Motivational Support, My Foot!
Stymie: Details Details
Nikki: wait come to think of it why are you here Byron?
Byron: well Brown wanted the group split in to two half’s and he determined with my training and the fact that he can blackmail me with mead. He determined that I was the best candidate to join your group.
Nikki:…..wha-
Captain: okay Listen up men today we are dropping behind enemy lines and then we are going to insert ourselves into the enimies darkest hol-
Nikki: wait a minute that the hell put you in charge?
Sarge: if I may intervene, the captain is in charge because he outranks you and because brown stuck sticky notes with our instructions on various parts of his body
Nikki: oh well umm…continue’
Captain: as I was saying we must insert ourselves into the enemies’ darkest hold which they call the Slab of Bacon prison
Soldier 1: mmm bacon
Byron: Delicious greasy Bacon
Stymie: with a side of eggs and Hash
Sarge: Tea lots of Tea
Narrator: and Chicken
Nikki: and apple pie
Captain: don’t forget Coffee with Lots of Cream
Stymie: So okay it’s pretty obvious that we all ignored Browns advice and skipped Breakfast this morning before we left.
Narrator: ok guys so were coming up on the pastry territory things might get bumpy from here on in-Holy (BLEEPED OUT BY EDITOR)! Jesus Christ on Stilts!!
Nikki: what in the name of apple cinnamon oatmeal was that?
Byron: well it would appear that the Pastry army has begun to well Shooting AA rounds at us but its not like anything I’ve ever seen it appears the rounds are made completely out of White-
Captain: Cream Incoming!!!
*Helicopter banks left to avoid a AA round the characters in the back end up onto of one another , all except soldier one*
Nikki: are you kidding me the idiot is the only one who remembered to Buckle his Lemony Seatbelt?!!
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