HENRY REPORT 5/9/2012

Lisa: WELCOME TO THIS WEEK'S HENRY REPORT (Henry's Rage Quit)! For those of you just now joining us HENRY stands for: Hairy Evasive Norwich Rum Yodelers.
Henry: *Grumbling* ...Stupid AP Calculus Test...
Smith: Oh, yes you had the AP Calculus Test today didn't you? How'd that go?
Henry: Well it'd be like if you took Nam.... threw some south Korea in for flavor, soaked it in wood alcohol, peppered it with arsenic-basting it with Cyanide of course and steamed it with Mustard Gas.
Smith: Sounds...-*Under his breath* ...Like Stanley's breath, ER I mean  heavenly! Henry you should have been a cook, have I ever told you that?
Henry: ...And you should have been a mormon!
Crowd in the hallway: AMEN!
Lisa: HEY! Me and my father are Mormon!
Henry: And?
Lisa: That stereotype is not true, that was an old part of our history!
Henry: I'll make you a deal: if you can get this deaf British idiot off my show I'll correct my statement!
Smith: Say what?
Henry: ...Or you can go on a date with me-that's also acceptable payment.
Smith: Henry! I didn't know you'd come out of the closet!
Henry: I'm not gay smith!
Smith: Exactly, you came out of the closet about not being gay!

-the following portion of the show has been cut due to excessive arrows to the knee-

-the previous editor was sacked for excessive skyrim jokes-

-the previous editor was sacked for his excessive use of Monty Python and the Holy grail jokes-

-the manager of the Northglenn Morning Show was sacked for technically being the editor who made the Holy Grail jokes and the Skyrim jokes-

-The excessive writer of this excessive show was excessively sacked for excessively excessive use of the excessively excessive word excessive, a new editor has been chosen-

-Pancakes-

Henry:  Today's rage subject is AP tests!
Smith: God, I hate those things!
Henry: Me too!
Bessner: *Walking by* I write those things!
Henry: *AHEM* I shall go first... WHY THE (Bleeped out by the editor) DO THEY HAVE SO MANY (bleeped out by the editor) SAFETY PROTOCOLS ITS NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO STEAL THE (Bleeped out by the editor) ANSWERS! I MEAN WHO THE (bleeped out by the editor) IS DUMB ENOUGH TO STEAL THEM AND INVALIDATE THEIR TEST!? AND WHO KEEPS BLEEPING OUT EVERY TIME I SAY "WAFFLES"!?
Smith: I know exactly what you mean they're such idiots!
Henry: ...Get Doctor Bessner-I must be coming down with someone if I just agreed with... that man. Hey anyone know where my cell phone went to? I think I left it in the testing center.
Smith: Oh by the way, did you read the text I sent you during the test?
Henry: ...uh... no.
Smith: I got a hold of the answer sheet and texted you all the answers!
Henry: ...
Smith: I'll take that as a "thank you" now let me post them on our website!

Henry: ...
(AP Representative barges into studio)
AP Rep: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HENRY WARD!
Henry: HIM! *Points to the British man*
Smith: What? Henry you're horrible! Especially after I sent you the answers!
AP Rep: Henry Ward? When we saw you got a five on the test we were suspicious-it was you- but when we found your cell phone-our suspicions were confirmed. You're a rotten cheater! Your test is INVALIDATED. Good day!
Henry: Smith... SAY YOUR PRAYERS BOY! IT WON'T DO YOU NO GOOD THOUGH, GOD AIN'T GONNA FORGIVE A SINNER AS BAD AS YOU!
Father Malachi: *popping up* A-MEN! *Grabs Smith*
Smith: Wait no... HENRY NO!!!!!!

THE SHOW 10/16/2011: Wartime for Brown and Germany AND What not to do with a vampire Weekly recap

Opening theme: Spring time for Hitler from "the Producers"

Soldier #1: you're sure you want me to read this? 

Pooh: Yes, for the last time, yes! 

Soldier #1: Okay... umm... "We'd like to welcome you to the *Spelling it out* N...arthgleeeen Mouring shouu? With your hoses" um er... "Crapbear?" 

Pooh: This wars bad enough without you saying my name wrong! 

Soldier #1: Sorry Sargent Bear... Its against my religion to say... um..." 

Pooh: Poohbear? Really!? What religion are you!? Soldier!? 

Soldier #1: I belong to the church of of Dr. Lindi... 

Pooh: Heard enough of that religion... Continue 

Soldier #1: *Reading again* Crapbear, John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) 

Smith: I resent that! 

Pooh: Wait soldier your  religion doesn't let you say poohbear but you can say the "S" Word!? 

Soldier: Whats wrong with "(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)" 

Pooh: ...Nevermind I don't think I want to know... Continue... 

Soldier #1: *Reading again* John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), and Nikki the black... 

Pooh and Smith: You get his name right!? 

Nikki: Well of course! How in the world could you mess with Nikki the Black!? continue soldier! 

Soldier #1: *Opens his mouth* ...um... what this word? 

Pooh: *Sighs* "due" 

Soldier #3: *Growling* HERE GIVE ME THAT, YOU DUMB FOOL! "Due to the fact that the narrator is such a coward he wasn't willing to join us in the war this soldier who is a piece of cra..."  

*Cut off by death by bullet*  

Smith: *Sighs* We are currently broadcasting live from a Bunker in Bavaria, Germany, where those bloody pastries are blasting blurts of cream all over the bunker, Brown has been able to sufficiently fight back the pastries for over twenty hours, so far it looks like a victory for Dictator Brown-which isn't too surprising seeing how much the Germans love eating their pastries. 

Captain Sexy: *Appearing out of no where* What was that about cream!? 

Soldier #1:  Well, captain, the enemy, who we've come to call the blond demon has been laying her cream all over us! 

Captain Sexy: Well now maybe this war isn't too bad! I've got to get in on some of this creaming! 

Smith: Oh Gall... 

Pooh: Blond Demon? 

Sarge: *Also appearing out of no where* She's a demon, that she is-no match for the captain's cream, but a demon nonetheless. 

Soldier #2: Aye laddy, she's taken out our artillery single handedly, only armed with the drill in er' hand. 

Smith: Her pastry army on the other hand... 

Sarge: Dumb as a doornail! 

Soldier #2: AYE! And the best part? they say she disassembled the artillery... NAKED! 

*Silence throughout* 

Smith: …And I thought this war was full of indecent people, I can tell how much that disgusts you all! 

All except Smith and soldier #1: YOU KIDDING!? WE'RE JUST GLAD TO IMAGINE SUCH A THING!!! 

Soldier #1: ..um... guys what does a girl look like naked? 

Smith: *Growling* Don't you corrupt this innocent soul! 

Dictator Brown: *Walking in* Enough fun and games... 

All (including Soldier #3): YOU! 

Dictator Brown: ...What? 

Pooh: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) you Brown! What is with drafting us!? (Especially the rule limiting honey consumption!) 

Nikki: ...I actually don't mind that much I was going to kick some lemon warlock butt anyway. 

Smith: Is no one else scared by the fact that soldier #3, who is dead just spoke? 

Captain Sexy: Why did you take me away from my boat, you fine, fine man? 

Brown: Well... lets put it this way which would you rather have ruling you that demonic pastry leading demon out there, or the well dressed intelligent man in front of you? 

Soldier #2: Well actually the blo...  

Brown: Nevermind, don't answer that... lets just call it... payback for what you did a couple episodes ago to my political career! 

Smith: I just want you to know Brown, my answer to your first question was you. 

Soldier #2: Ya suck up! Why I have a good mind to ha... *Mysteriously killed by some sort of monster, completely not related to the disappearance of soldier #3's body. No one pays attention except Smith* 

Smith: Uh... guys...? we may have bigger problems than walking strudel soldiers... 

Brown: AS I WAS SAYING, enough fun and games I have two orders of business, first, I need Nikki, Soldier #1, Captain Sexy and Sarge. This morning we received a transmission from agent "Hero of Time," who ironically turns out to be your good friend Link. *Plays transmission, the message is heavily damaged, scratchy and.... recorded on an ocarina* 

Link's voice (recorded): *Whispering* Agent Hero of Time calling King of Evil... 

Pooh: Zant? 

Brown's Voice (Recorded): Go ahead Hero. 

Link's Voice (Recorded): I've been captured, repeat have been captured by some... delicious apple pies... but I attained what Zant's working on. According to the plans I saw, Zant's been working on something that could spell the end of waffles and the world forever! Apparently he's developing a drug which causes the said person to become as insane about pancakes as he is! The drug lets him manipulate anyone into believing anything in front of them is a pancake, or that said object is a waffle lover and thus must die. But as I've been sitting in my cell I overheard some cupcakes talking about how, so far he's only managed to cause them to go insane accidentally desiring brains instead.... *Static* …STALFOS they're onto me, I think they know I have a radio! Send BACKUP (And by back up I DO NOT mean NAVI!!!)! *Recording ends* 

Brown: We need the four of you to drop into an old bunker in northern Russia, where we think they're holding him. Should you be caught or killed... 

Sarge: Yeah, we know, "the secretary of defense will disavow any connection with our actions." 

Brown: I was going to say, "I will be the first to dance on your grave", but what you said sounds better! 

Sarge: *to Captain Sexy its been an honor serving with you captain, should we die." 

Captain Sexy: And its been an honor performing for your camera Averious. 

Brown: AS FOR THE REST OF YOU! Bessner is working on an antidote for Zant's failed attempts. I want you to go check in on him, Van Helsing and Father Malachi who have been stationed in a M*A*S*H* unit near Irkutsk Russia. 

What will happen to the rescue team that went in for Link? Bessner and Malachi in the same camp? Doesn't seem like a good combination! Van Helsing's dark side show!? Is Smith the only one to notice the zombie apocalypse is on its way? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT "THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW" TO FIND OUT!