Your loving news team here every morning to entertain and distract you from your work,and here's your hosts the Black, the Bear, and the Bessner!
Zant: Don't forget about me!
September 16 at 5:24pm
"Creatures that call themselves human, we have an important message for you. Monday, the Northglenn Morning Show will be filming its first ever commercial. stay tuned for more info" ~Nikki
Opening theme: Super Mario 64 - Bowser's Road (Rock/Metal Cover)
DICTATOR BROWN AND BYRON AUSTIN KETCHEL'S
"Dots and boxes" SHOW DOWN
This week Brown and Ketchel began a dots and boxes match to end all dots and boxes matches. Utilizing full sheet of grid paper this battle of the wits has only just begun!
For those of you who don't know how to play "Dots and Boxes" the objective of the game is claim as many boxes as you can under your name. You may only make one line per turn, every time you claim box you get to make another move meaning if you have a hallway of parallel lines and your partner makes the third line in any of those....
its "EDEN PRIME WAS A MAJOR VICTORY" time.
This weeks casualties:
Boxes marked "A" are victories of Ketchel
Boxes marked "T" are victories of Brown
Please Note the boxes marked "A" which are highlighted orange, these boxes are what are known as "THE CORRIDOR OF DEATH" as well as "Eden prime"
Skip to minute 2:00
IN OTHER NEWS: Acheivement hunter has uploaded more "Fails of the Weak"
1. Qui-gon Jinn won American Idol by drinking a bottle of Jinn.
2. The fear of spiders is referred to as arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Qui-gon Jinn is summed up in two words: Common Sense.
3. The force is so strong with Qui-gon Jinn that he starts campfires by looking at the wood.
4. There once was a road named Qui-gon Jinn, but they changed it because anyone who would cross Qui-gon Jinn would instantly receive a hangover.
5. Some miracle workers can walk on water... Qui-gon Jinn swims through land.
6. We are bound to the laws of gravity, to Qui-gon Jinn they're merely a thought.
7. Qui-gon Jinn once threw up after drinking too much into the gas tank of a Semi truck... That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
8. Qui-gon Jinn once played jenga when he was drunk.... and that my children is how Mars was formed...
9. Rudolph has a red nose... want to know why? He made the mistake of challenging Qui-gon Jinn to a drinking battle.
10. Qui-gon Jinn has counted to infinity.... that's how many livers he has.
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...
Dr. Bessner while investigating tails of, "The Holy Grail," the cup by which Jesus administered the last supper, came across a species of rabbit that greatly interested him, one otherwise like the mighty Cucco.
Cuccos, being relatively identical, and related, to the harmless chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus), is a sort of black sheep of the family of the fowl. Most other chickens are domesticated and completely harmless, and birds related to them, with the exception of the Cucco, are not dangerous by any means. THE Cucco on the other hand is notoriously dangerous being blamed for such disasters as Windmill fires (amidst shadow beast danger), city destruction and Zant Worshiping. Much like the Cucco is a black sheep of viciousness , Bessner's new discovery is the black sheep of rabbits.
^ Figure 1.2 ^
"Killer Rabbit" is the unofficial name for the creature, Bessner on the other hand calls it, the "Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus" which means "bad, wicked or evil, European rabbit." Bessner discovered its killer potential just before one was killed by the only means known, the holy hand grenade, he first saw the rabbit murdering one of its victims (figure1.2). Upon studying the D.N.A of the holy hand grenade-ed rabbit, Dr. William Bessner Discovered the Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus to be an endangered species of rabbit. Little is yet known of Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus but Bessner does know that, much like the Cucco, Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus has no finite life span and only has one weakness-which has already been used. Bessner is currently in the process of safely breeding the rabbits so that he might study them.
This leaves many of us with a few questions, does this spell the fate of humanity to die at cute hands? Or does it mean Dictator Brown has gained another dangerous weapon in his arsenal?
Or perhaps the biggest question....
Which is worse? Death by Cucco, or death by Bunny?
Jonny Smith here folks, TODAY'S EXTRA: 9/11 Tribute
Opening theme: It's Not my Time by 3 Doors Down:
Image taken from: www.whitegadget.com
For some it seems like it was only yesterday, for others it was ten long years ago. A day as memorable to some citizens as the bombing of Pearl Harbor. A group of men hijacked American Airlines Flight 11 and at 8:46 A.M. crashed the plane between levels 93 and 99.
Bessner: Zat would be correct Mr. Smiz, und only sevunteen minutes later anozer group of terrorists did ze zame wiz flight 175, except into ze ozer tower.
(Translation: That would be correct Mr. Smith, and only seventeen minutes later another group of terrorist did the same with flight 175 except into the other tower.)
Smith: ...Who let you in here!?
Link: Probably the same one who let him in. *Points to Zant*
Zant: What does this have to do with pancakes!? Who has the pancakes!? I was told there were some delicious pancakes in here!
Smith: WHY!? Someone tell me why we have all of the least American characters here all at once!?
Bessner: You are not one to talk, as you are... British... Besides ze twin tovers incident vas a German matter az vell
(Translation: You are not one to talk, as you are... British... Besides the twin towers incident was a German matter as well)
Zant: Pancakes?
Link: With our luck it probably was Zant who did the dirty work...
Zant: Waffle lovers all of them! That plane had such delicious pancakes on board... they stole the plane and the pancakes! I had to kill those waffle lovers...
Smith: ....You killed the terrorists? *Rubs head* so Confused....
Zant: The pancakes.... *Crying*
Smith: Get Zant out of here....
*Link Escorts Zant out*
Smith: Now BACK TO...
Link: The future? Isn't that a bit over used old man?
Smith: ....Link if you don't leave in three seconds I'm using the Cucco Ball in my jacket!
Link:*Mutters* ...(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) you old man... *looks at bare wrist* Wow! Look at the time... heh heh better be leaving! *backs out through door*
Smith: ...Now where were we?
Bessner: I do believe zat ve vere just talking about your need for your daily injection of arsenic!
Smith: Don't you start too... Lets take a moment to remember those who were lost that day, ten years ago, as well as those who in moments were there trying to help. When poor engineering and terrorists...
Zant: *Screaming through the wall* WAFFLE LOVERS!
Smith: ...came together to form one horrible tragedy.
~To those who were lost, may you rest in peace, and know our thoughts are with you...~
Jonny Smith here folks, Today's Extra: Critique of the Nordic Times
Opening Theme: Mr. Crowley - by Ozzie Osbourne
Please note that the opinions that follow do not by any means represent the opinions of all of the Northglenn Morning Show writer's opinions. The opinions that are shown are purely those of Mr. John Smith, the British ex-taxi driver, who gave up driving for a career in reporting.
The picture of Norman showing off his anti-"Wet Blanket"-ness which appeared on pg 2
"No one likes a wet blanket," was the line that appeared in the August 22, 2011, Volume XLV Edition 1 of the Nordic Tmes, but what kind of line is that? It sounds more like a sexual inuendo, than a line motivating school spirit. Though as a reporter myself I repect these writers, I find their language completely and utterly unsuited for their audiance, which just so happens to be the main goal of a reporter, no offense.
Musical picture incorrectly labeled "Fall Play"
On page three of course we see the number one thing everyone knows about the people who write the school newspaper, they know nothing of Drama, and what might it be? A picture from last year's musical "Annie" This goes to show that the newspaper has once again attempted to fool the school into believing that sports are the high point of this high school when in fact it is well known fact that many of the sports teams our school has, have lost numerous times over the past few years. Therefore let us just say that such focal points such as our Winter Percussion or our Drama Club which are arguably the best in the whole district. Now for the next thing I found wrong in the newspaper... let us begin by asking a question, if you were say.... the principal of a high school with hundreds of parents trusting their students to you, why would you let your own newspaper put out a picture of you in that made you look like you're going to beat their child?
Lindimore yelling at some poor
Students.
The picture to the left, is the one that was included in this issue of the newspaper (truly evidence of the school's need for some decent photo editing software). The woman looks like shes ready to beat the snuff out of a student, which... from a legal stand point doesn't look good, no matter how you put it. This of course is also not to mention that the picture is highly unflattering. Lets sum up what we have learned from the newspaper so far: School spirit and sexual innuendos are the same thing, no one took enough time here to find a picture of a fall play AND Dr. Lindimore is going to "take out" every kid who swears in front of her.
Now to the man who is possibly the only one not afraid to show his true beliefs on the school, a man who (as a viking) probably swears like a sailor whether he's in front of Dr. Lindimore or not, Norman the Norse. Now the funny thing in this picture is the how bad it makes the NHS security look. the last sentence regarding the wearing of an ID says "he's no match for NHS tight security, unless they're not looking. Okay, somebody tell me how "Tight security" can be more than a match for a rippling "not looking," or how they might not notice a muscle bound viking in full armor carrying a bloody battle axe.
And on the left we have evidence from page 6 that there is nothing you can do on the weekends, but draw a picture.
All Northglenn students MUST love
these things.
OVER ALL, the school newspaper is considerably better than other school newspapers like Legacy's. I give this school newspaper...
Unfortunately there was no Yodism Sermon today due to "Technical Difficulties (Quote from Dr. Van Helsing an ex-priest)" However, Father Malachi has said that it will occur, "Monday," instead.
Goof morning ladies and gentlemen, if you come to have your hearts touched and hear from hosts that sympathize with you and care about your problems...
...then you've come to the wrong place, broad casting live from the moon its the Northglenn Morning Show!
Pooh: Thank you random announcer dude! I'm Poohbear Tink: Hello all you wonderful people out there, I'm Tink Pooh Today we've got a very special episode! Tink: Yes, but first, the question of the day: What came first math, or history? Viewer: Math, because something has to happen for history to happen ...if you get me swing home skillet! Pooh: We'd have to agree Holmes, now for today's new segment, the daily challenge! Zant: Pancakes Tink: No, the challenge, you pancake psychopath! Zant: That is professor pancake psychopath to you!
Just get on with the (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)... Wait why was I beeped? Pooh: Our sponsor wants us to be more family friendly. Tink: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) that, I'm going to deal with this! *Storms out* Zant: Anyway our challenge today, heh heh, is can you say, "Check with Chuck," ten times fast.
Tink: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Make it stop! Stymie: Hey, why's Tink screaming? Pooh: He went to the complaint department. Stymie: Um, bo, doesn't byron run that department? Byron: BLOWTORCH TIME! Tink: Ohh, God NOO! Pooh: Yep Stymie: Poor (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)
Today in the Church of Yoda (The church good father Malachi hosts) We had two(?) weddings to officiate, we video taped them so here you go morning show fans, ENJOY!
