The SHOW 10/03/2011: Night times with the Northglenn Morning Show

OPENING THEME: HUMORESQUE by DVORAK

Pooh Bear as Radar o' Reilly
Illustrated by Trenton Brown

SHOW: Night times with the Northglenn Morning show

Narrator: If you’ve come to us today seeking a religious refuge from the dark and sinful world…. You’ve truly come to the wrong place. We join the guys on Captain Sexy’s ship for their Monday night poker game!

Zant: I’m afraid I still don’t understand the concept of this idiotic game, what does this have to do with pancakes!?

Bessner: Or arsenic!?

Smith: For the last time, this is a card game, those little paper things in your hands are cards…

Zant: I thought they tasted funny…

Smith: Gall….

*Father Van Helsing walks in*

 Ah Dr. Van Helsing care to join us for a game of cards?

Van Helsing: I think, my good sirs, I shall. Yesterday’s sermon was of…. particular unpleasantries.

Smith: Glad our table can be here for you, Dictator Brown I believe it is your deal?

Brown: Uh, yeah it is

 *Cell rings*

 hold on guys I gotta’ take this call, the Korean embassador doesn’t like waiting

*Gets up*

 Hello?

Bessner: Zo Pleaze explain zis game once again, I’m afraid my pancake loving companion ztill does not understand itz… inedible qualities.

*Zant is cooking a 9of hearts, king of hearts and an ace of spads on a George Foreman grill*

Smith: Zant…. What in gods name…. are you doing!?

Zant: REDEEMING THIS ABOMINATION! I noticed these… cards you called them have a texture resembling that of waffles! So I’m frying them into the delicious heaven that is a warm…. fluffy… pancake…

Pooh: *Enters* Hey guys…

Henry: Whats going on Pooh? Why are you dressed as Radar o’ Reilly?

Bessner: Ya, you seem rather downtrodden.

Pooh: I’ve just received word… that Tinkerbell’s plane was shot down over the Boston Harbor… There were no survivors…

Zant: Finally, the non-believers are DEAD!

Captain Sexy: *Entering with hands up* Hey guys, no need to panic, got a pirate pointing his sword at my sphincter.

Pirate (Strider): Judging by what you were doing with the monkey and the banana in your room, this shouldn’t be too uncomfortable for you!

Sergeant Averious Cock-n’-balls: Whatever the capt’n does in his free time is own (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) business… wait… why was I bleeped out I didn’t even say anything!?

Pooh: We know.

Pirate (Strider): Well during my undercover work Sergeant, you were selling tickets to it!

*no reaction*

 Why aren’t you surprised?

Captain Sexy: I told him to sell the tickets.

Narrator: Get on with it Strider!

Bessner: STRIDER!? What are you doing away from Middle Earth!?

Pooh: Wait hold on! Narrator!? You’re in on this!?

Narrator: …yeah… about that…

Zant: Those waffle lovers must have paid you a pretty pancake to help them!

Narrator: …They paid me in World of Warcraft hours…

Pooh: Why am I not surprised…

Bessner: Strider… my old nemesis, my old british nemesis…

Strider: Doctor!

*Pointing sword at Bessner*

 I thought my army of undead would have killed you by now!

Bessner: I kept them occupied with my flock of Cuccos. I will defeat you my nemesis!

Strider: I believe you will find me victorious!

Father Malachi: NO! I’ll kill you the both of you…

*Swig of Jinn*

 … you German and British swine!

*The three begin fighting Malachi keeps trying to joing in but keeps getting thrown out eventually being thrown into the porthole which he clogs. Strider draws his sword, Bessner an enormous injection needle. Bessner lays a good hit and injects liquid helium into Strider and proceeds by tackling him into the clogged porthole ripping a hole in the ship sending them into the icy waters outside. Captain Sexy stares blankly at the hole in his gorgeous ship*

Dictator Brown: *Returning* So, what did I miss?

EXTRA: Dr. Bessner's New Fluffy Friends

Jonny Smith here folks,

Opening Theme: From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

The Ballad of

Brave Sir Robin

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!

He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...

 

           Dr. Bessner while investigating tails of, "The Holy Grail," the cup by which Jesus administered the last supper, came across a species of rabbit that greatly interested him, one otherwise like the mighty Cucco.
          Cuccos, being relatively identical, and related, to the harmless chicken (Gallus gallus domesticus), is a sort of black sheep of the family of the fowl. Most other chickens are domesticated and completely harmless, and birds related to them, with the exception of the Cucco, are not dangerous by any means. THE Cucco on the other hand is notoriously dangerous being blamed for such disasters as Windmill fires (amidst shadow beast danger), city destruction and Zant Worshiping. Much like the Cucco is a black sheep of viciousness , Bessner's new discovery is the black sheep of rabbits.

^ Figure 1.2 ^

         "Killer Rabbit" is the unofficial name for the creature, Bessner on the other hand calls it, the "Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus" which means "bad, wicked or evil, European rabbit." Bessner discovered its killer potential just before one was killed by the only means known, the holy hand grenade, he first saw the rabbit murdering one of its victims (figure1.2). Upon studying the D.N.A of the holy hand grenade-ed rabbit, Dr. William Bessner Discovered the Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus to be an endangered species of rabbit. Little is yet known of Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus but Bessner does know that, much like the Cucco, Malus peior pessimus oryctolagus cuniculus has no finite life span and only has one weakness-which has already been used. Bessner is currently in the process of safely breeding the rabbits so that he might study them.
           This leaves many of us with a few questions, does this spell the fate of humanity to die at cute hands? Or does it mean Dictator Brown has gained another dangerous weapon in his arsenal?

 Or perhaps the biggest question....

Which is worse? Death by Cucco, or death by Bunny?

Extra: Definition of Cucco

EXTRA: Super Cucco Flood Still Coming

We are currently tracking a flock of around 500 Super Cuccos who were accidentally "lost" due to Truck Driver, Gavin Smith's, carelessness. Reports have been flooding us telling us about the state of the State of California.... Well lets just say it was nice knowing the state. Our scientists believe that the Super-Cucco invasion will continue to go West to East. It is believed that The Supper Cuccos will arrive in Northglenn Colorado in the evening of March 10th, if you don't want to become chicken fodder we have contacted our experts on avoiding a feathery death. We have our three experts here, first JOAQUIN, second we have our old Romeo and Juliet Seussified classic: Mercutio and Third we have.... Trent? Who the (Bleeped out by the editor) is Trent!? And who keeps bleeping out words that arn't swears!? All I said was (Bleeped out by the editor)! OH What the!? Oh come on.... anywoo heres our words from our "experts"

Me: So Joaquin I'd like to start with your views on matters.

Joaquin: All you gotta do is DANCE! 

Me: Are you sure you know what you're talking about?

Joaquin: Taser him NOW!

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ah...  okay maybe we'll start with you Mercutio?

Mercutio: You see this hole I just stuck in the floor? What is it? (this video all three parts should explain this joke)

Me: Um... a hole?

Mercutio: Then get in it!

Trent: for those of you who are reading this.... lets just say... John found his happy place...

EXTRA: Cuccos at LARGE and in CHARGE

Recently on Monday March 7th some experimental Cuccos were "lost." At least this was the report our scientists received from our current shipping man Gavin. The Cuccos were known to those involved in their development as "the Super Cucco." Head project manager: Dr. William Bessner. When asked Dr. Bessner said the following about the cuccos:

(We have kept Dr. Bessner's German accent for this article)

Me: Is it true that some 500 "Super Cuccos"were lost in transport from California to here?
Bessner: Das ist stimmt (Translation to English: that is correct) Except zat zer vas alzo zeventy normal cuccoz az vell... und....
Me: And what?
Bessner: Vell... Zer Vas one Cucco in zer zat... had... gotten an injection to make eet more vicious und danzerous zan all ze ozzers.
Me: WHAT!? Where is that (Bleeped out by the Editor) Gavin!? And WHO BLEEPED OUT "STUPID" IN MY INTERVIEW!? AH MAN AND NOW BESSNER STOLE MY STUPID CELL...

After hearing of this event our scientists began tracking the movements of these released Super Cuccos. We have since discovered that the Super Cuccos are right now ravaging the state of California. Our expendable reporter, Link, is there now. Link, over to you.

Link: "HEEEEEYYY HEYYYYYYAAHHH!"
Me: No fairy language, speak english.
Link: Oh sorry, well when I first got here I saw this adorable white chicken thing...
Me: Link, that was a super cucco.
Link: OH, that would explain when I hit it three...
Me: Link... You didn't...
Link: Yeah... I did. I am now huddled under the wreckage of some dude's Mansion... OH CRAP! They're here! SAVE ME!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

Anywoo, our scientists have made the speculation that the cuccos are heading from the West to the east, it is predicted that in a couple days the Super Cuccos will be in Colorado. It has been reported that all of the west coast has been left in complete and utter ruin.


                                                                                                 ~Article by John "Jonny" Smith

Extra: Cucco ATTACK!

March 8th 2011:   Recently a horde of Cuccos were sighted flying in the vicinity of Northglenn Highschool, normally as long as no body harassed the Cuccos we'd all be fine-however that is not the case. These Cuccos are already angry, REPEAT, these Cuccos are ALREADY ANGRY! If you see a Cucco, run for your life- it may not save your life but it could (at least thats what that little kid down the street said). Yoda has yet to comment on this crisis. Qui-gon Jinn on the other hand remarked, "That was the Jinn, NOT ME!" Commander in Chief's Mood: Frightened.

EXTRA: Cucco Ball!

Scientific Development going smoothly: Our scientists have managed to capture the Cucco in a device known as a Pokeball, this means that we can now use these feathered demons to rule the world. We may have lost a couple scientists developing the Cucco. Commander in chief's mood about this? Pleased.

EXTRA: Cuccos!

"Cuccos are a demon chicken-like species that appear throughout the Legend of Zelda series. They are usually found in large flocks. Despite being found in peaceful places the Cucco, if harassed will become more and more vicious to the point where they will murder you unless you get out of their territory immediately."