Of Wildfires and Obsidian

Opening theme: Basket Case by Green Day

Lisa: Hello Everybody and welcome to another edition of...
                               The Northglenn Morning Show!
Please welcome your hosts Captain Sexy, The Black, and The Bear! We join them dead in our studio (Which coincidentally is in Doctor Bessner's Sanitarium). Dr. Bessner will not be joining us as he is... preoccupied?
Captain: Indeed, I always knew that doctor had a wild side!
Black: Somehow I don't think that's what he means, Thank you Lisa, So as we all know from the smell in the air...
Henry: *Walking by* mmm... Love the smell of burning mountain in the morning!
Bear: SHUT UP! That's my home you're talking about! ...or whats left of it... *Sob*
Black: The "wildfires" up in the mountains are still burning profusely, though some of the residents who were evacuated, are now being let back in such as those evacuated for the Flagstaff fire.
Captain: What do you mean with those quotation marks around wildfires?
Black: Well supposedly a good portion of the fires were the product of an arsonist who didn't think we had enough fire-so he lit a couple of his own.
Henry: *Handcuffed and being dragged down the hallway by police* I know this looks bad but it wasn't me! I had nothing to with those fires and Smith's summer cabin being burned down-well... actually that last one might be a lie.
Black: Then another one of the fires was recently admitted to be an out of control controlled burn.
Captain: I don't need to make any jokes about that one, it kinda speaks for itself.
Bear: IN other news in Hallandale, Florida A lifeguard was fired from his job for leaving his zone to go rescue a person who was drowning out of his zone.
Black So he was fired for doing his job?
Captain: I get fired all the time doing my job!
Black: Wrong kind of fired, that's getting fired up which I'm pretty sure is not unique to just your job captain.
Captain: Indeed.... a many a good night were had thanks to that, right sarge?
Cockn'balls: Most definitively sir!
Bear: Well here's the thing, his manager told him not to leave the zone...
Captain: And leave the person to die!?
Bear: Well... by the time the lifeguard got there the people nearby had already pulled said person out of the water.
Captain: Still... he was trying to save his life.
Black: I agree with you but I can also understand why he might have been fired, I mean he was supposed to be at his post, suppose while he was off helping in the wrong zone somebody else started drowning in his zone.
Captain: I can see what you mean.
Bear: I think we all need to relax and have some honey.... and I'm not sharing. 
Black: In all actuality it probably should have been the lifeguard who was in the same zone as the drowning person who should have been fired.
Bear: You know this is why I don't go swimming in the ocean. First of all Bears are much better swimmers in rivers and shallow water, second I'm a stuffed bear so my fluff gets all soggy, third, honey, need I say more?
Black: Readers What's your opinion on this life guarding situation? Just comment below this post!
Lisa: Hey guys? I think Bessner's finally cracked up!
Bear: Why do you say that?
Lisa: I just went down stairs to seduce zan... er... I mean check on Zant, and I looked in the room next to him and Bessner has constructed a... large... rectangle out of large cubes of what looked like obsidian!
       *Explosion erupts from basement causing the floor to fall out under them, The rectangle of obsidian is now visible with a purple semi-opaque wall in the center. Bessner is covered in ash.*
Bessner: My friends I have just opened a portal to the other side, to another world much like our own...
                                  *Silence*
Bear: *Pulling down sunglasses* ....Mother of God.

Lisa: Tune in tomorrow to see what happens next!

A Peaceful Day at Bessner's Clinic

Opening Song: Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer

Lisa: ...And just so you people know-Yes he is the same person who sang the "Elements" Song. Welcome To the NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW Today we join Doctor Bessner in his clinic as he operates! Please Welcome your hosts the Bear, the Black,  and the Bessner.
Black: *not really paying attention* Thank you Lisa.
Bear: Today's news is that...
Patient: AHHHHHH!
Bessner: Nurse, give me a Scapel!
Bear: .... um... as I was saying, wild fires have been...
Patient: AH! My SPLEEN!
Black: ...Is that patient tied down!?
Bessner: God no!
Black: Okay Good I was just....
Bessner: He is strapped down! Tying patients down is for amateurs-we've even added these metal arm bands to make sure he doesn't get away.
Black: I feel like I should be appalled by this... but for some reason I'm not.
Bear: *Passes Honey to The Black* Here... you'll need it. As I was saying recently back in my home in the Rocky's, there have been some insane wildfires.
Black: Yeah I heard about that didn't it turn out that the Forest Service was behind it all?
Bear: It started out as a "Controlled Burn" which got out of hand and ended up creating some casualties.
Black: I don't mean to change the subject but... it appears that we're about to witness a casualty.
Bessner: Perfectly okay...
Black: That I changed the subject?
Bessner: No, that he dies-we have the technology-we can rebuild him
Nurse: We can make him faster...
Bessner: Stronger.... Say, Nurse how would you like to see how a truly German man spends his night?
Nurse: Mmm... Ja voll!
Patient: HELLO!? People I'm still here-for that matter should I really be awake right now!?
Bessner: No... but I CAN give you a sedative. *Prepares needle*
Patient: Wait... you know I just changed my mind!
Bessner: Oh? Are you sure you wouldn't like to be put under? I have something here guaranteed to knock you out....
Patient: I think I'll be o.... oh god I can see my stomach! Ew... that hamburger looks less delicious now...
Bessner: I'll take that as a definite yes on the injection! I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!
Black: ...He REALLY gets into his injections.
Bear: Give me the honey... Moving on.... Everybody has heard of this new food mix-mash but is it really that good? The new Taco Bell Locos Doritos Taco, We're bringing in John Smith  as he is one of the people here on the show who has tried this combination.
Smith: Thank you Bear.
Bear: So what did you think?
Smith: Well, I found that that is was slightly a disappointment-because when you think of the combination you get this mental image of this pure and utter.... Awesomeness. Then you bite into it and... well its exactly what it is Taco Bell inside of Doritos. Don't get me wrong, it is delicious, and better than the normal Taco Bell taco, just for some reason I expected a lot more. plus the only area where you can really honestly tell a difference is that top of the taco where the filling doesn't reach.
Bear: Thank you smith, would you recommend this to anyone else?
Smith: Yes, Its definitely delicious. I would recommend this to everyone except Henry Ward.
Bear: Why?
Smith: Now that I've said I like it-Henry will probably make it his life's mission to either eat one and completely contradict me or he will immediately decide that since I like it he won't.
Bear: So Dear readers please tell us what you think of these Doritos Tacos in the comments below this post, and we'll review the comments and put some of them in our next Show!
Black: So Bessner What exactly are you doing in this operation?
Bessner: Very good question!
Black: The answer?
Bessner: If I remember right.... Either a brain and heart transplant (or removal)... plastic surgery or....
Nurse: Mummification?
Bessner: RIGHT, If its not one of those then I have no idea.
Black and Bear: Uhh.... *Quietly leaves*

Book Review: Screwtape letters

                                                             My Dear Readers,    
        A book written with expert brilliance, the Screwtape Letters are able to combine creativity as well as christian beliefs. From the moment you pick up the book you knew it was going to catch your attention for a while-I mean who wouldn't want to read the conversations of devils? The Screwtape Letters exemplify C.S. Lewis's Christian books-though not in the metaphorical sense that Narnia brought us-because this book gives the reader a sort of watchful eye for methods we as humans are led into more corrupt ways. C.S. Lewis also made it an interesting book even for the non-Christian, as he picks up the persona of a Devil by the name of Screwtape who frustratingly writes to the foolish devil he calls his nephew, Wormwood. If you're one of us that loves not just a good villain but a fantastic villain, you'll enjoy this book. Screwtape isn't the dumb kind of evil you see in the movies-giving his plans away to the hero just before it matters most, Screwtape is the awesome, intelligent evil that you know at least thought the whole thing through. This villain also un-noticeably becomes a nightmare even for you, as his methods involve the greatest covert actions-he could be working on you right now and you wouldn't know it. We here at the Northglenn Morning Show love a good book, and this is one we'd recommend-as our own Executive writer Austin Ketchel remarks it as among his favorite books-to any audience, but most particularly Christians and fellow villain lovers.

We give this book 93 Pancakes out 100
                                                                                          Your Affectionate Morning Show
                                                                                            The Northglenn Morning Show

Henry Report 5/10/2012

Lisa: Welcome to another episode of the HENRY report otherwise known as Henry's RAGE QUIT! For those of you just joining us HENRY stands for: the Helpful Excessively Narcissistic Royal Bank.
Henry: Going with the topic of yesterday's Rage Quit... this week and the next contain the AP Testing and therefore are the topic of our RAGE QUITs. If you feel the same about the AP Tests in our hatred of them-please post your complaints either in the comments of this post or on our RAGE QUIT page on facebook.
Lisa: Also.... John Smith will not be joining us today-in his place please welcome Dr. Bessner onto the show!
Bessner: Danke, Lisa, Danke.
Henry: You know what I HATE about the AP Test!?
Bessner: What?
Henry: You spend the whole (Bleeped out by the editor) year, learnin' this CRAP  and then you see the test.... AND NOTHING YOU LEARNED IN THE CLASS IS ON THE (Bleeped out by the editor) TEST!!!!!
Bessner: Nein, no, you don't know ze half of it!
Henry: OH!?
Bessner: I write these testz and ze STUPID TEACHERS TEACH YOU ZOME CRAP ABOUT FOUR WHEEL OFF ROAD VEHICLES!!!!
Henry: OH OH, don't forget that after the test you feel like you WASTED your time taking a class that didn't teach you crap! You feel like absolute CRAP afterwards!
Bessner: (Shelby Henry? This ones for you) Don't even get me started on reading those essays which seem to have been written in egyptian-ze hand writing is THAT bad!
Henry: Plus if you have the morning session-you have to wake up at the fricken crack o' dawn!
Bessner: I have to spend hours reading your B.S. essay! I'd rather read Kafka!
Henry: AND THE WORST PART!? YOU HAVE TO PAY 85 (Bleeped out by the editor) DOLLARS FOR THIS STUPID TEST!
(Henry and Bessner stand up Ripping the cushions off the sofa they were sitting on, they rip it up in their bare hands. Henry grabs an Xbox 360 and throws it out the window, grabs a crowbar and jumps out himself. Bessner, revs up a chainsaw and starts cutting through everything else still in tact in the room, ripping his clothes off in Incredible Hulk fashion.)
Lisa: .... uhh... We'll get back to you.... umm... ooooh that cannot be good for that piano....

HENRY REPORT 5/9/2012

Lisa: WELCOME TO THIS WEEK'S HENRY REPORT (Henry's Rage Quit)! For those of you just now joining us HENRY stands for: Hairy Evasive Norwich Rum Yodelers.
Henry: *Grumbling* ...Stupid AP Calculus Test...
Smith: Oh, yes you had the AP Calculus Test today didn't you? How'd that go?
Henry: Well it'd be like if you took Nam.... threw some south Korea in for flavor, soaked it in wood alcohol, peppered it with arsenic-basting it with Cyanide of course and steamed it with Mustard Gas.
Smith: Sounds...-*Under his breath* ...Like Stanley's breath, ER I mean  heavenly! Henry you should have been a cook, have I ever told you that?
Henry: ...And you should have been a mormon!
Crowd in the hallway: AMEN!
Lisa: HEY! Me and my father are Mormon!
Henry: And?
Lisa: That stereotype is not true, that was an old part of our history!
Henry: I'll make you a deal: if you can get this deaf British idiot off my show I'll correct my statement!
Smith: Say what?
Henry: ...Or you can go on a date with me-that's also acceptable payment.
Smith: Henry! I didn't know you'd come out of the closet!
Henry: I'm not gay smith!
Smith: Exactly, you came out of the closet about not being gay!

-the following portion of the show has been cut due to excessive arrows to the knee-

-the previous editor was sacked for excessive skyrim jokes-

-the previous editor was sacked for his excessive use of Monty Python and the Holy grail jokes-

-the manager of the Northglenn Morning Show was sacked for technically being the editor who made the Holy Grail jokes and the Skyrim jokes-

-The excessive writer of this excessive show was excessively sacked for excessively excessive use of the excessively excessive word excessive, a new editor has been chosen-

-Pancakes-

Henry:  Today's rage subject is AP tests!
Smith: God, I hate those things!
Henry: Me too!
Bessner: *Walking by* I write those things!
Henry: *AHEM* I shall go first... WHY THE (Bleeped out by the editor) DO THEY HAVE SO MANY (bleeped out by the editor) SAFETY PROTOCOLS ITS NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO STEAL THE (Bleeped out by the editor) ANSWERS! I MEAN WHO THE (bleeped out by the editor) IS DUMB ENOUGH TO STEAL THEM AND INVALIDATE THEIR TEST!? AND WHO KEEPS BLEEPING OUT EVERY TIME I SAY "WAFFLES"!?
Smith: I know exactly what you mean they're such idiots!
Henry: ...Get Doctor Bessner-I must be coming down with someone if I just agreed with... that man. Hey anyone know where my cell phone went to? I think I left it in the testing center.
Smith: Oh by the way, did you read the text I sent you during the test?
Henry: ...uh... no.
Smith: I got a hold of the answer sheet and texted you all the answers!
Henry: ...
Smith: I'll take that as a "thank you" now let me post them on our website!

Henry: ...
(AP Representative barges into studio)
AP Rep: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HENRY WARD!
Henry: HIM! *Points to the British man*
Smith: What? Henry you're horrible! Especially after I sent you the answers!
AP Rep: Henry Ward? When we saw you got a five on the test we were suspicious-it was you- but when we found your cell phone-our suspicions were confirmed. You're a rotten cheater! Your test is INVALIDATED. Good day!
Henry: Smith... SAY YOUR PRAYERS BOY! IT WON'T DO YOU NO GOOD THOUGH, GOD AIN'T GONNA FORGIVE A SINNER AS BAD AS YOU!
Father Malachi: *popping up* A-MEN! *Grabs Smith*
Smith: Wait no... HENRY NO!!!!!!

4/20 SHOW (AGAIN!)

Lisa:aaannnnd Go with the theme song.

Smoke a little smoke by Eric church(This is not owned by us we just thought it went with the theme of today, no need to get all uptight about it. If our use offends you in anyway then only one question need be asked...You Mad Bro?)




Lisa:Heeellllo ladies and Gentlemen,and welcome to the second annual Northglenn Morning Show 4/20 episode!!
Now heres your speacial hosts Stymie Movaphucking Downs (with a Ph), Doctor Bessnerand who could you forget that adorable hunk of a man Za- cough cough....heheh whoops feeling a bit whoozy...wow this stuff really does the trick..wha? Oh! Heres Zant!

Stymie:thank you for that lovely intro Lisa now uh where were we ummm..... wow she wasnt kidding this stuff is reaaallly goood hahahaehhehe...heh um Oh hey everybody welcome to a great addition to the Northglenn whoring show.

Zant:morning show

Stymie:thats what i said Whoring Shoe

Zant:no you said whoring show

Stymie:WHy Zant! why would you say a thing like that! our listeners depend on us on good clean family content and here you are talking about Dirty.....sweaty....Whores...hmmm.

Zant:Pancakes!

Stymie:Huh?! Oh hey Zant didnt even see you there howve you been?

Zant:Quite well actually,the reports from the Belgian front are proving to be quite sa

Stymie: You know what else is satisfying?

Zant:Pancakes baked to a golden crisp with a syrupy finish?

Stymie: No my(bleeped out by the editor) 

Bessner: I do not think that wvould be very satisfying at all meine fruende 

Stymie:what do you know you german....Bessner What the (bleeped out by the Editor) are you wearing?!

Bessner:What? its just my old uniform

Stymie:What the (bleep) is wrong with you?! thats a Nazi (bleepity) Uniform 

Bessner:Its the the Fuhrers Birthday

Stymie:again what the Hell is wrong with you?!

Pikel:OOOH!! I LOVE BIRTHDAYS WILLTHEREBEWAFFLESWILLTHEREBEWAFFLESWILLTHEREBEWAFFLES!?!?!

Zant:(takes out giant sword and slices Pikel in Half) DIE DEVIL SPAWN!

Pikel:Daddy you know that doesent work on me

Zant:DAMN YOU AND YOUR BELGIAN WHORE SEDUCTRUSS OF A MOTHER! 

Pikel:Mommy always said you had a (Bleep bleep bleep!!!!) for BElgian woman

(Stymie and Bessner stare wide Eyed at Zant)

Zant:W-What?!! 

Stymie: I....cant believe all this time, you actually (Bleep Bleep Bleep, Bleep Bleep Bleepity BLEEP!)

Bessner:Watch your language Mr.Downs

Zant:im going to go smoke a pancake

Styime:and what about you its 4/20 2012 and instead of out there getting stonned and having a ball like the rest of us, your sitting in here dressed up like a goosestepping moron for the Birthday of an (Bleep) who died 70 years ago, oh and did i mention you have a stick up your butt?

Bessner: I do not!

Pikel:Actually mister Bessner

Bessner:what is it?

Pikel: there is a stick pocking out of your butt

(Bessner glances back and low and a behold there was a six and a half foot pole coming out of the rear end of his trousers)

Zant:(comes back with a smoking pancake on a skillet (yeah you thought he was actually going to smoke a pancake, admit it...bunch of Bleeping bleepers) What did i miss?

Bessner:MOTHER F-
fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(meanwhile in the Control studio)

Henry:What the hell is going on in there? why arent we getting any audio?
(Smith sits at a computer feriously typying away)
Smith: I dont know thats what im trying to figure out

Henry:Hurry up you British phuck

Smith:Henry!

Henry: hey i said it with a PH

Smith:Youve been spending way to much time with captain sexy.....Darn if only Nikki were here hes the computer savy one

Henry:what? since when has he been an authority on tech, i though he dealed in apples

Smith:well its an apple computer...their the same thing right?

Henry:....I dont even know if i should be the suprised..just get the Dam thing Running

Smith:Okay I think I....Got it! now stop cursing!

Henry: I said D A M no N on it

Smith:your unbelieavable...huh whats this...it appears that..oh my 

Henry:what?

Smith:it appears as if the reccording room is filled with smoke and they are all......Naked?!

Henry:wait...why is Lisa in there!?!?!

(back in recording studio)

Stymie:YEEEEHAAAAAA That is some GOOOOOOOOOD stuff!!!!

Bessner:I am...heheh..inclined to agree

Zant:Whoah like...so many Pancakes man, their everywhere

Pikel:hhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehaehaehaehahehahaahahahahahahaha

Lisa:hehe well thanks for joining us folks hehehe hope you have a wonderful 4/20..and where out..now Zant get that sweet (bleep bleep bleep) Over Here!



(Minutes later reading the Morning Show)
Dictator Brown: AHHHHHH MY DAUGHTER! I've just about had it with you NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW PEOPLE! Time to throw a litte..... Waffle... Their way...

DUN DUN DUN! 

NMS - 4/4/2012

Lisa (Narrator): Gooooood Morning Internet! after a brief sojurn in the Drunk tank and prisons abroad we are back and ready for action! Thats right ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to the Northglenn Morning Show!! Now heres your host, that loveable if but slightly pyschotic bear who is joining us all the way from the Hundred acre woods state pennitantry its Winnie the Pooh!

Pooh: Hello everyone its great to be back, and im not just saying that because if i dont do this than ill be sent back to prison. allow me to introduce my partners in crime and my fellow hosts, Nikki the Black and Dr.William Bessner.

Nikki: Good day to you

Pooh: well ladies and gentlemen we do owe you all a big apologie, you see the reason we havent posted in months is...

Bessner:Wait Pooh, do you: think it would be wise to tell them about...that?

Nikki:Our german friend does have a point mabye we should just move on to a different subject besides were sworn to secrecy by Brown.

Pooh: yeah You guys are right, so moving right along lets take a look at todays news, Bessener?

Bessener:vell...Romney ist blamming Obama the state of the Economy.

Pooh:oh youve got to be kidding

Bessner: no im afraid not, Romney will do anything to get the republican nommination, come to think of it so would Obama if he was in the same situation. Honestly politicians are very horrid.

Nikki: you're telling me, seriously think back to SOPA earlier this year and then the NDAA last year, both of which are clearly infringing on our rights.what do you think pooh?

Pooh: ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bessener: Pooh?

Pooh:zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ

Nikki:POOH!!!!

Pooh:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Nikki: Oh Come on!

Bessner: try slapping him

(Nikki stands and slaps pooh across the face

Pooh:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Bessner: Mein Gott, (under his breath says) ...looks like I may have given him a little too much chloroform... (In normal voice pretending he did not say that) well while we attempt to wake pooh up from his most definitively non-chloroform induced coma.... (Cough cough) enjoy this special announcement from our Rage Group: THE HENRY REPORT.

Lisa (Narrator): HELLO and welcome to the HENRY report, where we rant about the horrible parts of daily life... however it seems everything eventually just comes back to the British. For our new viewers, HENRY stands for Hydrogenous Evangelical Noobs Raping Yo-yos. 

Henry: Hello, my name is Henry Ward
Smith: I am john Smith!
Henry: ..And we're here to share some discrepancies about a certain feature film that has recently defiled our theaters....Titanic 3D
Smith: What?! but I love titanic 
Henry: I...I never thought id see the day that i would..agree with you dirt bag. 
Smith:then what are you so angry about?

Henry:...Smith i wear Glasses in fact many people wear glasses, do you realize how FUCKING ANNOYING IT IS TO PUT GLASSES OVER YOUR GLASSES? ITS UNCOMFORTABLE IT IRRITATES OUR EYES AND MOST OF ALL THE LAST THREE TIMES IVE GONE TO A MOVIE THEATER THEIRS ALWAYS A GUY WITH (Bleeped out by the editor) AND HIS   (Bleeped out by the editor)  HANGING OUT AND THEN THE GIRL NEXT TO HIM IS SOMEHOW MANAGING TO TALK ON HER PHONE AND SURF THE WEB AT THE SAME TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TELLING EVERYONE TO SHUT OFF THEIR GOD-(Bleeped out by the editor)  PHONES AND THEN 

Smith: one sec i got a text ooh and and email!
Henry: ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!! COME HERE YOUR SLIMY BRITISH  (Bleeped out by the editor) !!!!!!!!!!!



Pooh: ...And we're back 

Nikki: Henry scares me when he gets that angry! 

Pooh: Just dont ask him about QWOP and youll be fine.