Of Wildfires and Obsidian

Opening theme: Basket Case by Green Day

Lisa: Hello Everybody and welcome to another edition of...
                               The Northglenn Morning Show!
Please welcome your hosts Captain Sexy, The Black, and The Bear! We join them dead in our studio (Which coincidentally is in Doctor Bessner's Sanitarium). Dr. Bessner will not be joining us as he is... preoccupied?
Captain: Indeed, I always knew that doctor had a wild side!
Black: Somehow I don't think that's what he means, Thank you Lisa, So as we all know from the smell in the air...
Henry: *Walking by* mmm... Love the smell of burning mountain in the morning!
Bear: SHUT UP! That's my home you're talking about! ...or whats left of it... *Sob*
Black: The "wildfires" up in the mountains are still burning profusely, though some of the residents who were evacuated, are now being let back in such as those evacuated for the Flagstaff fire.
Captain: What do you mean with those quotation marks around wildfires?
Black: Well supposedly a good portion of the fires were the product of an arsonist who didn't think we had enough fire-so he lit a couple of his own.
Henry: *Handcuffed and being dragged down the hallway by police* I know this looks bad but it wasn't me! I had nothing to with those fires and Smith's summer cabin being burned down-well... actually that last one might be a lie.
Black: Then another one of the fires was recently admitted to be an out of control controlled burn.
Captain: I don't need to make any jokes about that one, it kinda speaks for itself.
Bear: IN other news in Hallandale, Florida A lifeguard was fired from his job for leaving his zone to go rescue a person who was drowning out of his zone.
Black So he was fired for doing his job?
Captain: I get fired all the time doing my job!
Black: Wrong kind of fired, that's getting fired up which I'm pretty sure is not unique to just your job captain.
Captain: Indeed.... a many a good night were had thanks to that, right sarge?
Cockn'balls: Most definitively sir!
Bear: Well here's the thing, his manager told him not to leave the zone...
Captain: And leave the person to die!?
Bear: Well... by the time the lifeguard got there the people nearby had already pulled said person out of the water.
Captain: Still... he was trying to save his life.
Black: I agree with you but I can also understand why he might have been fired, I mean he was supposed to be at his post, suppose while he was off helping in the wrong zone somebody else started drowning in his zone.
Captain: I can see what you mean.
Bear: I think we all need to relax and have some honey.... and I'm not sharing. 
Black: In all actuality it probably should have been the lifeguard who was in the same zone as the drowning person who should have been fired.
Bear: You know this is why I don't go swimming in the ocean. First of all Bears are much better swimmers in rivers and shallow water, second I'm a stuffed bear so my fluff gets all soggy, third, honey, need I say more?
Black: Readers What's your opinion on this life guarding situation? Just comment below this post!
Lisa: Hey guys? I think Bessner's finally cracked up!
Bear: Why do you say that?
Lisa: I just went down stairs to seduce zan... er... I mean check on Zant, and I looked in the room next to him and Bessner has constructed a... large... rectangle out of large cubes of what looked like obsidian!
       *Explosion erupts from basement causing the floor to fall out under them, The rectangle of obsidian is now visible with a purple semi-opaque wall in the center. Bessner is covered in ash.*
Bessner: My friends I have just opened a portal to the other side, to another world much like our own...
                                  *Silence*
Bear: *Pulling down sunglasses* ....Mother of God.

Lisa: Tune in tomorrow to see what happens next!

A Peaceful Day at Bessner's Clinic

Opening Song: Poisoning Pigeons in the Park by Tom Lehrer

Lisa: ...And just so you people know-Yes he is the same person who sang the "Elements" Song. Welcome To the NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW Today we join Doctor Bessner in his clinic as he operates! Please Welcome your hosts the Bear, the Black,  and the Bessner.
Black: *not really paying attention* Thank you Lisa.
Bear: Today's news is that...
Patient: AHHHHHH!
Bessner: Nurse, give me a Scapel!
Bear: .... um... as I was saying, wild fires have been...
Patient: AH! My SPLEEN!
Black: ...Is that patient tied down!?
Bessner: God no!
Black: Okay Good I was just....
Bessner: He is strapped down! Tying patients down is for amateurs-we've even added these metal arm bands to make sure he doesn't get away.
Black: I feel like I should be appalled by this... but for some reason I'm not.
Bear: *Passes Honey to The Black* Here... you'll need it. As I was saying recently back in my home in the Rocky's, there have been some insane wildfires.
Black: Yeah I heard about that didn't it turn out that the Forest Service was behind it all?
Bear: It started out as a "Controlled Burn" which got out of hand and ended up creating some casualties.
Black: I don't mean to change the subject but... it appears that we're about to witness a casualty.
Bessner: Perfectly okay...
Black: That I changed the subject?
Bessner: No, that he dies-we have the technology-we can rebuild him
Nurse: We can make him faster...
Bessner: Stronger.... Say, Nurse how would you like to see how a truly German man spends his night?
Nurse: Mmm... Ja voll!
Patient: HELLO!? People I'm still here-for that matter should I really be awake right now!?
Bessner: No... but I CAN give you a sedative. *Prepares needle*
Patient: Wait... you know I just changed my mind!
Bessner: Oh? Are you sure you wouldn't like to be put under? I have something here guaranteed to knock you out....
Patient: I think I'll be o.... oh god I can see my stomach! Ew... that hamburger looks less delicious now...
Bessner: I'll take that as a definite yes on the injection! I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!
Black: ...He REALLY gets into his injections.
Bear: Give me the honey... Moving on.... Everybody has heard of this new food mix-mash but is it really that good? The new Taco Bell Locos Doritos Taco, We're bringing in John Smith  as he is one of the people here on the show who has tried this combination.
Smith: Thank you Bear.
Bear: So what did you think?
Smith: Well, I found that that is was slightly a disappointment-because when you think of the combination you get this mental image of this pure and utter.... Awesomeness. Then you bite into it and... well its exactly what it is Taco Bell inside of Doritos. Don't get me wrong, it is delicious, and better than the normal Taco Bell taco, just for some reason I expected a lot more. plus the only area where you can really honestly tell a difference is that top of the taco where the filling doesn't reach.
Bear: Thank you smith, would you recommend this to anyone else?
Smith: Yes, Its definitely delicious. I would recommend this to everyone except Henry Ward.
Bear: Why?
Smith: Now that I've said I like it-Henry will probably make it his life's mission to either eat one and completely contradict me or he will immediately decide that since I like it he won't.
Bear: So Dear readers please tell us what you think of these Doritos Tacos in the comments below this post, and we'll review the comments and put some of them in our next Show!
Black: So Bessner What exactly are you doing in this operation?
Bessner: Very good question!
Black: The answer?
Bessner: If I remember right.... Either a brain and heart transplant (or removal)... plastic surgery or....
Nurse: Mummification?
Bessner: RIGHT, If its not one of those then I have no idea.
Black and Bear: Uhh.... *Quietly leaves*

Book Review: Screwtape letters

                                                             My Dear Readers,    
        A book written with expert brilliance, the Screwtape Letters are able to combine creativity as well as christian beliefs. From the moment you pick up the book you knew it was going to catch your attention for a while-I mean who wouldn't want to read the conversations of devils? The Screwtape Letters exemplify C.S. Lewis's Christian books-though not in the metaphorical sense that Narnia brought us-because this book gives the reader a sort of watchful eye for methods we as humans are led into more corrupt ways. C.S. Lewis also made it an interesting book even for the non-Christian, as he picks up the persona of a Devil by the name of Screwtape who frustratingly writes to the foolish devil he calls his nephew, Wormwood. If you're one of us that loves not just a good villain but a fantastic villain, you'll enjoy this book. Screwtape isn't the dumb kind of evil you see in the movies-giving his plans away to the hero just before it matters most, Screwtape is the awesome, intelligent evil that you know at least thought the whole thing through. This villain also un-noticeably becomes a nightmare even for you, as his methods involve the greatest covert actions-he could be working on you right now and you wouldn't know it. We here at the Northglenn Morning Show love a good book, and this is one we'd recommend-as our own Executive writer Austin Ketchel remarks it as among his favorite books-to any audience, but most particularly Christians and fellow villain lovers.

We give this book 93 Pancakes out 100
                                                                                          Your Affectionate Morning Show
                                                                                            The Northglenn Morning Show

Henry Report 5/10/2012

Lisa: Welcome to another episode of the HENRY report otherwise known as Henry's RAGE QUIT! For those of you just joining us HENRY stands for: the Helpful Excessively Narcissistic Royal Bank.
Henry: Going with the topic of yesterday's Rage Quit... this week and the next contain the AP Testing and therefore are the topic of our RAGE QUITs. If you feel the same about the AP Tests in our hatred of them-please post your complaints either in the comments of this post or on our RAGE QUIT page on facebook.
Lisa: Also.... John Smith will not be joining us today-in his place please welcome Dr. Bessner onto the show!
Bessner: Danke, Lisa, Danke.
Henry: You know what I HATE about the AP Test!?
Bessner: What?
Henry: You spend the whole (Bleeped out by the editor) year, learnin' this CRAP  and then you see the test.... AND NOTHING YOU LEARNED IN THE CLASS IS ON THE (Bleeped out by the editor) TEST!!!!!
Bessner: Nein, no, you don't know ze half of it!
Henry: OH!?
Bessner: I write these testz and ze STUPID TEACHERS TEACH YOU ZOME CRAP ABOUT FOUR WHEEL OFF ROAD VEHICLES!!!!
Henry: OH OH, don't forget that after the test you feel like you WASTED your time taking a class that didn't teach you crap! You feel like absolute CRAP afterwards!
Bessner: (Shelby Henry? This ones for you) Don't even get me started on reading those essays which seem to have been written in egyptian-ze hand writing is THAT bad!
Henry: Plus if you have the morning session-you have to wake up at the fricken crack o' dawn!
Bessner: I have to spend hours reading your B.S. essay! I'd rather read Kafka!
Henry: AND THE WORST PART!? YOU HAVE TO PAY 85 (Bleeped out by the editor) DOLLARS FOR THIS STUPID TEST!
(Henry and Bessner stand up Ripping the cushions off the sofa they were sitting on, they rip it up in their bare hands. Henry grabs an Xbox 360 and throws it out the window, grabs a crowbar and jumps out himself. Bessner, revs up a chainsaw and starts cutting through everything else still in tact in the room, ripping his clothes off in Incredible Hulk fashion.)
Lisa: .... uhh... We'll get back to you.... umm... ooooh that cannot be good for that piano....

HENRY REPORT 5/9/2012

Lisa: WELCOME TO THIS WEEK'S HENRY REPORT (Henry's Rage Quit)! For those of you just now joining us HENRY stands for: Hairy Evasive Norwich Rum Yodelers.
Henry: *Grumbling* ...Stupid AP Calculus Test...
Smith: Oh, yes you had the AP Calculus Test today didn't you? How'd that go?
Henry: Well it'd be like if you took Nam.... threw some south Korea in for flavor, soaked it in wood alcohol, peppered it with arsenic-basting it with Cyanide of course and steamed it with Mustard Gas.
Smith: Sounds...-*Under his breath* ...Like Stanley's breath, ER I mean  heavenly! Henry you should have been a cook, have I ever told you that?
Henry: ...And you should have been a mormon!
Crowd in the hallway: AMEN!
Lisa: HEY! Me and my father are Mormon!
Henry: And?
Lisa: That stereotype is not true, that was an old part of our history!
Henry: I'll make you a deal: if you can get this deaf British idiot off my show I'll correct my statement!
Smith: Say what?
Henry: ...Or you can go on a date with me-that's also acceptable payment.
Smith: Henry! I didn't know you'd come out of the closet!
Henry: I'm not gay smith!
Smith: Exactly, you came out of the closet about not being gay!

-the following portion of the show has been cut due to excessive arrows to the knee-

-the previous editor was sacked for excessive skyrim jokes-

-the previous editor was sacked for his excessive use of Monty Python and the Holy grail jokes-

-the manager of the Northglenn Morning Show was sacked for technically being the editor who made the Holy Grail jokes and the Skyrim jokes-

-The excessive writer of this excessive show was excessively sacked for excessively excessive use of the excessively excessive word excessive, a new editor has been chosen-

-Pancakes-

Henry:  Today's rage subject is AP tests!
Smith: God, I hate those things!
Henry: Me too!
Bessner: *Walking by* I write those things!
Henry: *AHEM* I shall go first... WHY THE (Bleeped out by the editor) DO THEY HAVE SO MANY (bleeped out by the editor) SAFETY PROTOCOLS ITS NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO STEAL THE (Bleeped out by the editor) ANSWERS! I MEAN WHO THE (bleeped out by the editor) IS DUMB ENOUGH TO STEAL THEM AND INVALIDATE THEIR TEST!? AND WHO KEEPS BLEEPING OUT EVERY TIME I SAY "WAFFLES"!?
Smith: I know exactly what you mean they're such idiots!
Henry: ...Get Doctor Bessner-I must be coming down with someone if I just agreed with... that man. Hey anyone know where my cell phone went to? I think I left it in the testing center.
Smith: Oh by the way, did you read the text I sent you during the test?
Henry: ...uh... no.
Smith: I got a hold of the answer sheet and texted you all the answers!
Henry: ...
Smith: I'll take that as a "thank you" now let me post them on our website!

Henry: ...
(AP Representative barges into studio)
AP Rep: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS HENRY WARD!
Henry: HIM! *Points to the British man*
Smith: What? Henry you're horrible! Especially after I sent you the answers!
AP Rep: Henry Ward? When we saw you got a five on the test we were suspicious-it was you- but when we found your cell phone-our suspicions were confirmed. You're a rotten cheater! Your test is INVALIDATED. Good day!
Henry: Smith... SAY YOUR PRAYERS BOY! IT WON'T DO YOU NO GOOD THOUGH, GOD AIN'T GONNA FORGIVE A SINNER AS BAD AS YOU!
Father Malachi: *popping up* A-MEN! *Grabs Smith*
Smith: Wait no... HENRY NO!!!!!!

4/20 SHOW (AGAIN!)

Lisa:aaannnnd Go with the theme song.

Smoke a little smoke by Eric church(This is not owned by us we just thought it went with the theme of today, no need to get all uptight about it. If our use offends you in anyway then only one question need be asked...You Mad Bro?)




Lisa:Heeellllo ladies and Gentlemen,and welcome to the second annual Northglenn Morning Show 4/20 episode!!
Now heres your speacial hosts Stymie Movaphucking Downs (with a Ph), Doctor Bessnerand who could you forget that adorable hunk of a man Za- cough cough....heheh whoops feeling a bit whoozy...wow this stuff really does the trick..wha? Oh! Heres Zant!

Stymie:thank you for that lovely intro Lisa now uh where were we ummm..... wow she wasnt kidding this stuff is reaaallly goood hahahaehhehe...heh um Oh hey everybody welcome to a great addition to the Northglenn whoring show.

Zant:morning show

Stymie:thats what i said Whoring Shoe

Zant:no you said whoring show

Stymie:WHy Zant! why would you say a thing like that! our listeners depend on us on good clean family content and here you are talking about Dirty.....sweaty....Whores...hmmm.

Zant:Pancakes!

Stymie:Huh?! Oh hey Zant didnt even see you there howve you been?

Zant:Quite well actually,the reports from the Belgian front are proving to be quite sa

Stymie: You know what else is satisfying?

Zant:Pancakes baked to a golden crisp with a syrupy finish?

Stymie: No my(bleeped out by the editor) 

Bessner: I do not think that wvould be very satisfying at all meine fruende 

Stymie:what do you know you german....Bessner What the (bleeped out by the Editor) are you wearing?!

Bessner:What? its just my old uniform

Stymie:What the (bleep) is wrong with you?! thats a Nazi (bleepity) Uniform 

Bessner:Its the the Fuhrers Birthday

Stymie:again what the Hell is wrong with you?!

Pikel:OOOH!! I LOVE BIRTHDAYS WILLTHEREBEWAFFLESWILLTHEREBEWAFFLESWILLTHEREBEWAFFLES!?!?!

Zant:(takes out giant sword and slices Pikel in Half) DIE DEVIL SPAWN!

Pikel:Daddy you know that doesent work on me

Zant:DAMN YOU AND YOUR BELGIAN WHORE SEDUCTRUSS OF A MOTHER! 

Pikel:Mommy always said you had a (Bleep bleep bleep!!!!) for BElgian woman

(Stymie and Bessner stare wide Eyed at Zant)

Zant:W-What?!! 

Stymie: I....cant believe all this time, you actually (Bleep Bleep Bleep, Bleep Bleep Bleepity BLEEP!)

Bessner:Watch your language Mr.Downs

Zant:im going to go smoke a pancake

Styime:and what about you its 4/20 2012 and instead of out there getting stonned and having a ball like the rest of us, your sitting in here dressed up like a goosestepping moron for the Birthday of an (Bleep) who died 70 years ago, oh and did i mention you have a stick up your butt?

Bessner: I do not!

Pikel:Actually mister Bessner

Bessner:what is it?

Pikel: there is a stick pocking out of your butt

(Bessner glances back and low and a behold there was a six and a half foot pole coming out of the rear end of his trousers)

Zant:(comes back with a smoking pancake on a skillet (yeah you thought he was actually going to smoke a pancake, admit it...bunch of Bleeping bleepers) What did i miss?

Bessner:MOTHER F-
fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(meanwhile in the Control studio)

Henry:What the hell is going on in there? why arent we getting any audio?
(Smith sits at a computer feriously typying away)
Smith: I dont know thats what im trying to figure out

Henry:Hurry up you British phuck

Smith:Henry!

Henry: hey i said it with a PH

Smith:Youve been spending way to much time with captain sexy.....Darn if only Nikki were here hes the computer savy one

Henry:what? since when has he been an authority on tech, i though he dealed in apples

Smith:well its an apple computer...their the same thing right?

Henry:....I dont even know if i should be the suprised..just get the Dam thing Running

Smith:Okay I think I....Got it! now stop cursing!

Henry: I said D A M no N on it

Smith:your unbelieavable...huh whats this...it appears that..oh my 

Henry:what?

Smith:it appears as if the reccording room is filled with smoke and they are all......Naked?!

Henry:wait...why is Lisa in there!?!?!

(back in recording studio)

Stymie:YEEEEHAAAAAA That is some GOOOOOOOOOD stuff!!!!

Bessner:I am...heheh..inclined to agree

Zant:Whoah like...so many Pancakes man, their everywhere

Pikel:hhehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehaehaehaehahehahaahahahahahahaha

Lisa:hehe well thanks for joining us folks hehehe hope you have a wonderful 4/20..and where out..now Zant get that sweet (bleep bleep bleep) Over Here!



(Minutes later reading the Morning Show)
Dictator Brown: AHHHHHH MY DAUGHTER! I've just about had it with you NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW PEOPLE! Time to throw a litte..... Waffle... Their way...

DUN DUN DUN! 

NMS - 4/4/2012

Lisa (Narrator): Gooooood Morning Internet! after a brief sojurn in the Drunk tank and prisons abroad we are back and ready for action! Thats right ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to the Northglenn Morning Show!! Now heres your host, that loveable if but slightly pyschotic bear who is joining us all the way from the Hundred acre woods state pennitantry its Winnie the Pooh!

Pooh: Hello everyone its great to be back, and im not just saying that because if i dont do this than ill be sent back to prison. allow me to introduce my partners in crime and my fellow hosts, Nikki the Black and Dr.William Bessner.

Nikki: Good day to you

Pooh: well ladies and gentlemen we do owe you all a big apologie, you see the reason we havent posted in months is...

Bessner:Wait Pooh, do you: think it would be wise to tell them about...that?

Nikki:Our german friend does have a point mabye we should just move on to a different subject besides were sworn to secrecy by Brown.

Pooh: yeah You guys are right, so moving right along lets take a look at todays news, Bessener?

Bessener:vell...Romney ist blamming Obama the state of the Economy.

Pooh:oh youve got to be kidding

Bessner: no im afraid not, Romney will do anything to get the republican nommination, come to think of it so would Obama if he was in the same situation. Honestly politicians are very horrid.

Nikki: you're telling me, seriously think back to SOPA earlier this year and then the NDAA last year, both of which are clearly infringing on our rights.what do you think pooh?

Pooh: ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Bessener: Pooh?

Pooh:zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ

Nikki:POOH!!!!

Pooh:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Nikki: Oh Come on!

Bessner: try slapping him

(Nikki stands and slaps pooh across the face

Pooh:ZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

Bessner: Mein Gott, (under his breath says) ...looks like I may have given him a little too much chloroform... (In normal voice pretending he did not say that) well while we attempt to wake pooh up from his most definitively non-chloroform induced coma.... (Cough cough) enjoy this special announcement from our Rage Group: THE HENRY REPORT.

Lisa (Narrator): HELLO and welcome to the HENRY report, where we rant about the horrible parts of daily life... however it seems everything eventually just comes back to the British. For our new viewers, HENRY stands for Hydrogenous Evangelical Noobs Raping Yo-yos. 

Henry: Hello, my name is Henry Ward
Smith: I am john Smith!
Henry: ..And we're here to share some discrepancies about a certain feature film that has recently defiled our theaters....Titanic 3D
Smith: What?! but I love titanic 
Henry: I...I never thought id see the day that i would..agree with you dirt bag. 
Smith:then what are you so angry about?

Henry:...Smith i wear Glasses in fact many people wear glasses, do you realize how FUCKING ANNOYING IT IS TO PUT GLASSES OVER YOUR GLASSES? ITS UNCOMFORTABLE IT IRRITATES OUR EYES AND MOST OF ALL THE LAST THREE TIMES IVE GONE TO A MOVIE THEATER THEIRS ALWAYS A GUY WITH (Bleeped out by the editor) AND HIS   (Bleeped out by the editor)  HANGING OUT AND THEN THE GIRL NEXT TO HIM IS SOMEHOW MANAGING TO TALK ON HER PHONE AND SURF THE WEB AT THE SAME TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TELLING EVERYONE TO SHUT OFF THEIR GOD-(Bleeped out by the editor)  PHONES AND THEN 

Smith: one sec i got a text ooh and and email!
Henry: ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!! COME HERE YOUR SLIMY BRITISH  (Bleeped out by the editor) !!!!!!!!!!!



Pooh: ...And we're back 

Nikki: Henry scares me when he gets that angry! 

Pooh: Just dont ask him about QWOP and youll be fine.

Motivational Poster

Do A Barrel Roll

Do a Barrel Roll        

A Short Story by T. L. Brown

Suddenly Byron Austin Ketchel fell from the roof landing on poor Nikki the Black who was reading a 483769 page analyses of Lord of the Rings. Nikki had been on the very last page just about to find out what the ring represented when… BLAM Byron fell on his face.

 “Why hello you un-fluffy pancake man! Byron began.

“Byron, have you been hanging around Zant?” Nikki muttered getting up, “…and why so happy today?”

“Well I’ve found a use for my assassin’s blades!” he blurted.

“Wha…” Nikki began. Suddenly he found a poisoned blade in his back, “Aw… lemons…”

            From the confines of his pocket Byron pulled a list from his pocket, “Zant and Nikki down… Now where’s that piece of trash German Doctor Bes…”

            Instantly a hand grabbed his neck and threw him into a brick wall. “By German Doctor did you mean me?” a German sounding voice questioned him.

            “I meant…”

            “Van Helsing!?” Van Helsing inserted.

            “You’re not even German you’re Dutc…”

            “Byron, you’ll be fighting against god if you intend to kill me!”

            “YOU’RE NOT GERM…”

            “AND, you’ll be fighting my army of ghosts,” commented Strider floating down in his hot air balloon.

            “Wait, why are you defending this Dutchman!?” Byron blurted.

            “Flying Dutchman’s from Pirates of the Caribbean, my friend, not Lord of the Rings,” Van Helsing explained.

            Adding two more names to his list Byron stammered, “What do you people want with me…?”

            “We’ve had report of two Twilight class Nosferatu, in the Northglenn High School auditorium,” Van Helsing explained searching through the yellowing pages of his notebook.

            “I do not believe it! I will not!” Strider blurted.

            “You’re telling me, even you didn’t know what we were facing?”

            “Good god, people calm down. I’ve dealt with these things before-terrible infestation in Seattle, good thing I was there to “sterilize” the infestation. Let’s see here, last time I wrote, “Relatively immortal, rules of normal Vampiren do not apply in their case.””

            “So you’re saying we have no chance of success.” Byron muttered. A slow moment of silence crept between the men.

            “Doctor, do you think Andúril could damage them?” Strider asked.

            “Andri… what?”

            “Strider’s sword, Andúril -the sword that was broken…” Van Helsing stated.

            “…and reforged,” Strider continued, “In my previous travels it has seemed to have great power over the dead…”

            “Hmm…” Van Helsing’s feet scuffed pacing the pavement, “I will, as for now say that Andúril may prove… useful against forces such as these.”

            “Well you said, last time that you “Sterilized” the infestation- is it possible we could use the same techniques?”

            “Possible, but too dangerous, in my previous encounter the vampiren were “vegetarian” which meant I could utilize their prey as a poison.”

            “I’m sure Henry would be happy to let us use Smith…” Byron began.

            “Nein, Smith is known for a substantial love of fresh garlic.”

            “I thought you said these “vampires” weren’t bothered by the same things as normal vampires…” Byron commented.

            “Nothing to do with vampires, smith just has really bad garlic breath. No vampire in their right mind would draw the blood of someone with such horrendous breath.”

            “I’m the one with the sword… we need the doctor… so that means…” Strider began.

            “Let me repeat that you two are as good as dead when I get out of these ropes!” Byron yelled into the empty darkness of the auditorium.

            The auditorium held a kind of peace in its darkness, the only light emanating from the spotlight which had been left on Byron’s position. The only sound from the creaking of the apron which Byron was sitting on… and occasionally the shifting of school around him, Byron could only see the motes in the light of the spotlight glistening in its brilliance.

            “Mr. Ketchel…” A shadowed voice echoed from somewhere in the auditorum-in the contrast Byron could not see where. “Do you see what friends mean in such a world? They have left you to die in my darkness.” A figure, shimmering in sparkles, stepped into the spot light. Something in Byron started-something he was not used to- humor.

            He let out a laugh the likes of which the world has never seen (well maybe it has seen but for the sake of over dramatization). “Narrator shut up.” Byron continued to laugh and abruptly stopped. “YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN, YOU PANSY?” Byron immediately bust from the ropes muttering, “Why didn’t I do this earlier?” A blade sprung, hidden in his sleeve. Stabbing the Vampire with his assassin’s  blade, he laughed a horrid cackle.

            Van Helsing ran from the wing, “What poison did you use!?”

            “Hydrogen Cyanide… why?”

            “Wondering if you used the right poison, I hope you don’t mind that we poured that all over your body.”

            “…so that’s what it was…”

            A scream shot out from the wing, “TWO MORE.” The voice was that of Strider, firm and crisp. “ RAHHH!!! Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!”

            “That was a strange thing to say…”

            “Doctor!” Strider ran out, “I believe Andúril worked-considering they burst into a cloud of sparkles!”

            “Sparkles… I hate Sparkles…” Byron muttered.

Vampire Problems

Joaquin: Though its hard for me to believe there can be anything as foul as poor dancing.... THE HUNT IS ON!
Evidence of Twilight-class Vampiren has been discovered under the stage of the Northglenn High School.
Mercutio: Bitter evidence it was
Glitter on the black floor
Almost as bad as a stage door!
Carnes: Oh (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), that's almost as bad as someone touching my daughter!
Joaquin: Not even close to bad dancing.
Carnes: ...Theres someone I want you to meet *Cocks shotgun* unless you want to take that back.
Joaquin: *Pulls out Taser* Right.
Mercutio: If you see these horrors
Be not fearful the core
see now Austin or Nikki!

THE SHOW OCTOBER 22

THE SHOW: October 22, 2011

  *Please note that "Tink's Rescue Part 1" or the latter half of this show  is incomplete, "Mobile Army Injection" or the first part however is complete at this time* 

Smith: For lack of another narrator, I shall be narrating today. We’re broadcasting today from a M*A*S*H Unit in Southern Russia. Where Brown forces and the pastry army are somewhat at a standstill-we use standstill lightly since in this area casualties are as common as snow in the mountains. Approximately every twelve hours more casualties-men and women, are trucked and flown in, explosions echo in the distance in this forgotten area. Here Dr. Bessner, Father Van Helsing and Father Malachi have been stationed all together.

            About twenty-four hours ago Link revealed the ghastly darkness of a new weapon the other side has developed, a bio-warfare weapon, the likes of which have never been seen. These bullets developed by Zant Ishmael Pfannkuchen have the capability not merely to kill their victim, but to cause a morbid transformation in the person to a mindless brain devouring… undead, or a zombie. However, upon recovering this vital information Link was caught and is now believed to be being held in a bunker in Siberia, so a team, consisting of Soldier #1, Captain Sexy, Sarge and Nikki the Black have been sent to rescue our dear friend. The rest of us, arrived yesterday at this dung heap they call a M*A*S*H* unit.

Bessner: *In the distance* I SHALL GIVE HIM AN INJECTION!

Malachi: *Also at a distance* You German quack! I should have killed you the day I laid eyes on your heretical face!

Van Helsing: *Also in the distance* Now… Now boys I’m trying to operate.

Henry: I wish those three would quit their yappin’! I’m trying to get some sleep...

Smith: Let us also say that the hours here are irregular, it is currently four o’ clock in the morning.

Henry: Smith?

Smith: What?

Henry: Shut up.

Bessner: *Walking in* Sorry for ze delay my friends, but I’m ready to reveal my results regarding my good friend Zant’s weapon.

Pooh: Take your time doctor, I might just have to stay here for the rest of the war… they have so much honey here for medical use its absolutely beautiful!

Henry: What in MacArthur’s name is a M*A*S*H* unit doing with honey for medical use!?

Bessner: …I could explain but, it would disturb all but the most physically strong of mind.

Smith: Anyway Bessner, what did you find?

Henry: Smith? No one wants to hear your voice, so SHUT UP!

Bessner: Well, let me begin by explaining something, when Zant created this abomination, he focused most of his efforts on decreasing higher level brain functions, so when he made it to cause “Libum-mania” or an obsession of pancakes, the ill-functioning brain interprets the pancakes to be brains of any and all kinds, the victim’s vocabulary also appears to revert down to approximately two words… Brains and Waffles.

Henry: Uh… I have no idea what you just said.

Smith: Basically…

Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) it, Smith! I’m giving you till the count of waffle to­­ shut up, before I… EAT YOUR BRAINS… uh… that was weird.

Bessner: …Zis is not good… Henry, were you by any chance… shot?

Pooh: Don’t worry about him, just give him his vodka and he’ll be alright.

Henry: Well… I was getting ready to reduce Smith here down to one arm with my gun when this really weird creature appeared, I couldn’t see much of it, cause it was night but it laid a good hit on my right arm with some sort of knife, and then it ran away.

Van Helsing: *Bursting in* Cousin, one of your patients escaped-killing a nurse in the process?

Bessner: Which nurse?

Van Helsing: The one with the blue eyes.

Bessner: The blonde one? Her death is not important, terrible nurse didn’t know a pair of incisors from a scalpel.

Van Helsing: Nein, it was the brunette.

Bessner: WHAT!? Ah, not the brunette! My beautiful…

Pooh: Bessner!? I didn’t know you were so interested in the ladies!

Bessner: …experiment!

Pooh: …Just focus on the honey… just focus on the honey…

Van Helsing: The strange part is she was killed in a stange fashion resembling that of the blade a wild animal would use… and she’s beginning to turn into another one of the… pancake zombies.

Bessner: Did you try what you do best?

Van Helsing: Malachi’s preparing her for staking as we speak.

Bessner: Good, good… that leads me to my next discovery!

Pooh: Stronger honey?

Bessner: Zant’s weapon also causes increased evolutionary speed… meaning these “Zombies” Can develop new attributes, such as additional appendages within minutes.

Pooh: Well thanks for the information Bessner can you cure it though?

Bessner: …

Van Helsing: My Children…you’re… not going to like this…

Henry: Children!? What you mean you WAFFLE LOVER!

Bessner: Well… “Cure” is a very… subjective term.

Henry: BRAINS!

Bessner: the only way to do so is to… well… perfect Zant’s idea and turn the victim into a pancake fiend…

Henry: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) IT, BESSNER! NOT AGAIN!

Smith: Again?

Henry: There was this time back in Nam’ when this…

Bessner: *Talking to Pooh* However, my cousin here, Van Helsing can reverse the effects, correct?

Van Helsing: Yes, Zants methods resemble those used by Vampires. The reversal treatment requires the eating of a certain herb… Garlic.

Pooh: …How much?

Van Helsing: …twelve boxes full…

Pooh: I think I’ll be staying away from Henry for a couple years…

Bessner: Why is that?

Pooh: That’s how long it’ll take the garlic breath to fade away.

Van Helsing: Well… I was not being as honest as I should have been… I can only reverse it if he’s not too far along...

Pooh: *Looks over to Henry who is not gnawing on Smith’s head* …and if hes too far along?

Van Helsing: Being related to vampires he will turn into one of them, at which point we will have to destroy him… in the same method as the Vampire-STAKE TO ZE HEART!

Which fate will befall Henry? Garlic breath, the likes of which even Qui-Gon has not seen, or the fate of all Van Helsing’s enemies, of which Van Helsing seems only too happy to administer?

Smith: If you were wondering dear reader, how the rescue mission to save link is going-eat a bagel my friend!

Still here? *Sigh* Very well then I suppose we shall check in on them…

THE  N*M*S

THE RESCUE OF LINK KOKIRI (PART 1)

*A non descript Black helicopter over northern Russia, Captain sexy, Sarge, Soldier 1, Nikki and Byron sit in the line of seats along the back of the Copter fondly known by Brown soldiers as “THE blood Trough” As Stymie Downs and the Narrator Pilot the Chopper.*

Byron: I didn’t realize you knew how to fly Downs

Stymie: well the thing is Bo…..I don’t

Nikki: What!!??! Then how come your in the pilot’s seat?

Stymie: Well you see Bo the Narrator here knows how to Fly this tin can and Brown Drafted me to give him proper Emotional and motivational Support.

Narrator: Support? You call holding a Mark IV Cucco launcher to my head and threatening my family and household pets Emotional and Motivational Support, My Foot!

Stymie: Details Details

Nikki: wait come to think of it why are you here Byron?

Byron: well Brown wanted the group split in to two half’s and he determined with my training and the fact that he can blackmail me with mead. He determined that I was the best candidate to join your group.

Nikki:…..wha-

Captain: okay Listen up men today we are dropping behind enemy lines and then we are going to insert ourselves into the enimies darkest hol-

Nikki: wait a minute that the hell put you in charge?

Sarge: if I may intervene, the captain is in charge because he outranks you and because brown stuck sticky notes with our instructions on various parts of his body

Nikki: oh well umm…continue’

Captain: as I was saying we must insert ourselves into the enemies’ darkest hold which they call the Slab of Bacon prison

Soldier 1: mmm bacon

Byron: Delicious greasy Bacon

Stymie: with a side of eggs and Hash

Sarge: Tea lots of Tea

Narrator: and Chicken

Nikki: and apple pie

Captain: don’t forget Coffee with Lots of Cream

Stymie: So okay it’s pretty obvious that we all ignored Browns advice and skipped Breakfast this morning before we left.

Narrator: ok guys so were coming up on the pastry territory things might get bumpy from here on in-Holy (BLEEPED OUT BY EDITOR)! Jesus Christ on Stilts!!

Nikki: what in the name of apple cinnamon oatmeal was that?

Byron: well it would appear that the Pastry army has begun to well Shooting AA rounds at us but its not like anything I’ve ever seen it appears the rounds are made completely out of White-

Captain: Cream Incoming!!!

*Helicopter banks left to avoid a AA round the characters in the back end up onto of one another , all except soldier one*

Nikki: are you kidding me the idiot is the only one who remembered to Buckle his Lemony Seatbelt?!!

THE SHOW 10/16/2011: Wartime for Brown and Germany AND What not to do with a vampire Weekly recap

Opening theme: Spring time for Hitler from "the Producers"

Soldier #1: you're sure you want me to read this? 

Pooh: Yes, for the last time, yes! 

Soldier #1: Okay... umm... "We'd like to welcome you to the *Spelling it out* N...arthgleeeen Mouring shouu? With your hoses" um er... "Crapbear?" 

Pooh: This wars bad enough without you saying my name wrong! 

Soldier #1: Sorry Sargent Bear... Its against my religion to say... um..." 

Pooh: Poohbear? Really!? What religion are you!? Soldier!? 

Soldier #1: I belong to the church of of Dr. Lindi... 

Pooh: Heard enough of that religion... Continue 

Soldier #1: *Reading again* Crapbear, John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) 

Smith: I resent that! 

Pooh: Wait soldier your  religion doesn't let you say poohbear but you can say the "S" Word!? 

Soldier: Whats wrong with "(BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR)" 

Pooh: ...Nevermind I don't think I want to know... Continue... 

Soldier #1: *Reading again* John (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR), and Nikki the black... 

Pooh and Smith: You get his name right!? 

Nikki: Well of course! How in the world could you mess with Nikki the Black!? continue soldier! 

Soldier #1: *Opens his mouth* ...um... what this word? 

Pooh: *Sighs* "due" 

Soldier #3: *Growling* HERE GIVE ME THAT, YOU DUMB FOOL! "Due to the fact that the narrator is such a coward he wasn't willing to join us in the war this soldier who is a piece of cra..."  

*Cut off by death by bullet*  

Smith: *Sighs* We are currently broadcasting live from a Bunker in Bavaria, Germany, where those bloody pastries are blasting blurts of cream all over the bunker, Brown has been able to sufficiently fight back the pastries for over twenty hours, so far it looks like a victory for Dictator Brown-which isn't too surprising seeing how much the Germans love eating their pastries. 

Captain Sexy: *Appearing out of no where* What was that about cream!? 

Soldier #1:  Well, captain, the enemy, who we've come to call the blond demon has been laying her cream all over us! 

Captain Sexy: Well now maybe this war isn't too bad! I've got to get in on some of this creaming! 

Smith: Oh Gall... 

Pooh: Blond Demon? 

Sarge: *Also appearing out of no where* She's a demon, that she is-no match for the captain's cream, but a demon nonetheless. 

Soldier #2: Aye laddy, she's taken out our artillery single handedly, only armed with the drill in er' hand. 

Smith: Her pastry army on the other hand... 

Sarge: Dumb as a doornail! 

Soldier #2: AYE! And the best part? they say she disassembled the artillery... NAKED! 

*Silence throughout* 

Smith: …And I thought this war was full of indecent people, I can tell how much that disgusts you all! 

All except Smith and soldier #1: YOU KIDDING!? WE'RE JUST GLAD TO IMAGINE SUCH A THING!!! 

Soldier #1: ..um... guys what does a girl look like naked? 

Smith: *Growling* Don't you corrupt this innocent soul! 

Dictator Brown: *Walking in* Enough fun and games... 

All (including Soldier #3): YOU! 

Dictator Brown: ...What? 

Pooh: (BLEEPED OUT BY THE EDITOR) you Brown! What is with drafting us!? (Especially the rule limiting honey consumption!) 

Nikki: ...I actually don't mind that much I was going to kick some lemon warlock butt anyway. 

Smith: Is no one else scared by the fact that soldier #3, who is dead just spoke? 

Captain Sexy: Why did you take me away from my boat, you fine, fine man? 

Brown: Well... lets put it this way which would you rather have ruling you that demonic pastry leading demon out there, or the well dressed intelligent man in front of you? 

Soldier #2: Well actually the blo...  

Brown: Nevermind, don't answer that... lets just call it... payback for what you did a couple episodes ago to my political career! 

Smith: I just want you to know Brown, my answer to your first question was you. 

Soldier #2: Ya suck up! Why I have a good mind to ha... *Mysteriously killed by some sort of monster, completely not related to the disappearance of soldier #3's body. No one pays attention except Smith* 

Smith: Uh... guys...? we may have bigger problems than walking strudel soldiers... 

Brown: AS I WAS SAYING, enough fun and games I have two orders of business, first, I need Nikki, Soldier #1, Captain Sexy and Sarge. This morning we received a transmission from agent "Hero of Time," who ironically turns out to be your good friend Link. *Plays transmission, the message is heavily damaged, scratchy and.... recorded on an ocarina* 

Link's voice (recorded): *Whispering* Agent Hero of Time calling King of Evil... 

Pooh: Zant? 

Brown's Voice (Recorded): Go ahead Hero. 

Link's Voice (Recorded): I've been captured, repeat have been captured by some... delicious apple pies... but I attained what Zant's working on. According to the plans I saw, Zant's been working on something that could spell the end of waffles and the world forever! Apparently he's developing a drug which causes the said person to become as insane about pancakes as he is! The drug lets him manipulate anyone into believing anything in front of them is a pancake, or that said object is a waffle lover and thus must die. But as I've been sitting in my cell I overheard some cupcakes talking about how, so far he's only managed to cause them to go insane accidentally desiring brains instead.... *Static* …STALFOS they're onto me, I think they know I have a radio! Send BACKUP (And by back up I DO NOT mean NAVI!!!)! *Recording ends* 

Brown: We need the four of you to drop into an old bunker in northern Russia, where we think they're holding him. Should you be caught or killed... 

Sarge: Yeah, we know, "the secretary of defense will disavow any connection with our actions." 

Brown: I was going to say, "I will be the first to dance on your grave", but what you said sounds better! 

Sarge: *to Captain Sexy its been an honor serving with you captain, should we die." 

Captain Sexy: And its been an honor performing for your camera Averious. 

Brown: AS FOR THE REST OF YOU! Bessner is working on an antidote for Zant's failed attempts. I want you to go check in on him, Van Helsing and Father Malachi who have been stationed in a M*A*S*H* unit near Irkutsk Russia. 

What will happen to the rescue team that went in for Link? Bessner and Malachi in the same camp? Doesn't seem like a good combination! Van Helsing's dark side show!? Is Smith the only one to notice the zombie apocalypse is on its way? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT "THE NORTHGLENN MORNING SHOW" TO FIND OUT!